Is there someone to turn to when you are having problems that doesn't have a ton of shit on their plate already?.. 

Natural Progress

 "You came close to winning before, and it seems that there is always one small thing that holds you back, what do you think that is?"

"I am a people pleaser, I try to make everybody else around me very comfortable, make everybody smile, I feel like I was born to make people happy, with that being said, I find myself almost stuck at one place while everyone else that I 'alleviate' moves on and transitions."

"This is why people do what you just described. Its because you feel uncomfortable with the natural progress. If someone is falling, your natural instinct is to go and to get them, and that's true for all of us. What will happen though, if you allow them to fall?."

"I may be one of those 'crazies' maybe, that think that we all work as one organism. If one off, it affects everybody. Thats why I feel the need to fix"

"Yea, but its not your job to 'fix'. You are doing the world a disservice by trying to repair everything.

-Rupaul  -Jujubee

____________________________________________________

I know thats not the full interview but I can relate so much to Jujubee..

I feel so stressed and pressured but when someone calls for help I just go over to help which just leaves me with crap..

My schedules gets fucked up, I don't get enough sleep, everything in my life is just a messed..

I never ask for help because I always feel terrible for troubling people but I do realise people rarely offer help in the world anymore unless there is an underlying incentive. I missed a few quizzes worth 20% of my total grade for a Uni subject now. Totally slip my mind it was due and my friend just didn't bother even reminding me. Instead, he asked me if I can finish my assignment earlier so I can help him with it which is what i've spent my past week doing. 

I didn't have to help him. I'm not going to help him.

I'm here trying to make everyone happy and everyone is just stepping over my head and getting what they want. I'm tired of it. I want to get where I want and I'm not lending a hand to anyone anymore.

I'm at my breaking point.

Leo. 

Realisation

That child is fragile. I realise that now.
No matter how much of scolding or pushing, you can't make glass stronger. You can't reinforced something that has already been molded and made.

He needs me much more than I need him. We both know that.
But will I be as cruel as to let a flightless bird jump out the nest for my best interest?

The clock is ticking, minds are running, arguments fly.
While I stand with my armour on, I see the boy with emotional wounds he struggles to patches everyday. I do admire him though, after so much he is still going at it. He must have one heck of a motivational drive for him to get out of bed every morning.

Time will tell what happens next.
I made my move, his turn now to move his piece. 

The world stops spinning.

After a while, I came to realise the world stopped caring.

Everyone has their own things, their own commitments, their own schedules..

The friend I thought cared the most seemed just distant now.. An offer to catch up ignored, with the question answered with another question.. What do you do when the person you go to when something goes wrong stops caring?.. The world feels like it stops spinning..

Maybe I just have too much time on my hands right now.. Things with puppy are just messed up.. Seems like we argue everyday.. His feelings towards me hasn't changed but i'm slowly falling out of it.. He got his own place now, and i just found out he has a housemate. A girl, arranged by puppy's mother to share a house with him..

I'm just so messed up. I'm crying while writing this, and at the same time i'm angry.. My train of thought just keeps darting around to the point i can't even focus on anything.. What is wrong with me?..

Anyone else cries on their birthday?..

The one day i'm suppose to feel special, I don't.. Every year I get my hopes up thinking this year i would feel like a prince but i never do.. I get jealous really.. How everyone gets amazing celebrations, surrounded with friends and presents.. I got one coin box from puppy and dinner the day before with him as well as a wallet from my sister this year for my 22nd birthday.. Had dinner with relatives on my birthday this year and since i'm the youngest among my cousins, I'm always the last one to get my food from the sharing plate, usually left with scraps, like the ribs of the chicken with hardly anything on it.. And when I don't eat much cause there is nothing left, I get asked whats wrong with me.. It fucking sucks..

Its almost 5am now and I can't sleep..

I want to be left alone but i don't want to be if that makes sense..

The walls are closing down on me.. I'm reaching out for help and i just see people with their backs turned.,

I wouldn't mind leaving the world, and never coming back..

Angry?

I don't know if this whole situation works like the stages of grief but it certainly feels like it. Right now, I'm angry.

I'm angry I lost control of the situation just like that. I was unaware the whole flight home that a fight was happening, stupidly sitting in the plane, planning activities that would never happen. Right now I have no say, no control, and no way to influence the outcome of whats going to happen. Just like that the plans for us to stay together and all the places we were planning to go back here in Malaysia is gone. I know everyone says it doesn't matter we aren't going to stay together, as long as we are together in the same country we can still meet and all, but I don't think they know how much staying together meant to me.. I've been looking forward to this for ages and now it became a few months wait to a never to happen till our 30's thing. 

I'm unhappy that Puppy's parents take me as just a guy that he is dating, ignoring everything I have done for him. I've taken care of him, taught him to cook and cooked for him and basically helped in almost every way possible when he came over and yet now I'm taken as someone to be avoided and banned. I'm hurt. Just because I have a dick i'm not suitable to take care of their son to the point they are scrambling to find a new place for him to stay? 

To puppy's parents, you are selfish. Blinded by religion and what you have been taught to be "normal" that you neglect the wellbeing of your son's mental health. He isn't your pet to dictate what he suppose to do or don't do. He is your son. I'm not a bad influence to him, I did not do anything to make him love me unnaturally. Exactly like how you cancelled his flight and made him push back his University just so you can spend more time with him and keep him around so the house won't feel "empty" or today when he already promise me he would meet me at 1pm and at 12.45pm you made him have lunch with you? Please.. Be considerate to your son's feelings? You aren't going to lose him, you don't have to claw him back every time you feel you are going to lose him. 

I'm just angry.. 

I'm hurt...

There is only one party coming out of this happy and I know its not me.

By the end of next month, everything will be set and I know I've officially lost.. 

Gone. 

Leonut.

Touch.

Curious how I have the crave for a male's touch rather than a female's.
Wonder is it a mentality thing or pheromones.. I'm sure there is a proper explanation for it but if there isn't, could it be that something is really wrong with my brain? Is that why homosexuals are call abominations by outsiders looking in. Fascinating how different people are, everyone somehow just falls under a certain category, the gays, the lesbians, the bisexuals and transgenders, within them, their own subgroups, the feminine gays, the drags, the jocks and all.. Everyone with their own district trait..

I really don't know where this post is going to go but i'm just going to keep typing.. I see parents, friends and strangers always talking about a gay comedian, or a drag queen that made them laugh, but if their own son or daughter falls within the "different" category, they lose their mind.. They become angry, they scream, they shout, verbal and physical abuse occurs. The victim, feeling betrayed and hurt struggles to defend themselves from the two guardians that have guided and walked every step of life with them.. Confused..

Just like that.. I lost puppy.. his parents found out and our relationship ended on the spot.. 3 months to 2 years together just ended like that.. I'm banned from seeing or talking to him, every physical evidence of our relationship erase within the hour.. He is probably going to be transferred back to Malaysia just to further enforce the no contact rule.. So there goes everything. The plan to move in with me just burned away, the future we planned is gone.. Way to start new years crying in my room for hours right?..

Whats the point in living when you can't love who you want, or be loved for who you are?

Even if we get out of this, when the time comes I'll face the spot light myself.. Why drag Puppy through another one?..

Ending the year with a broken heart. Feeling heavy, hollow, confuse... So many things I have planned and foresee but this was never one of them.. Not so soon anyway.

To anyone reading my blog on new years eve, have a good new year!

Close the last page of the book today and start a new story tomorrow.

My love story however, just got cut short..

Good luck of the new years.
Leonut. 

426 : Whats wrong?

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