424 : Saying I love you.

I don't know about others but it's hard to say I love you to someone, especially on a long distance.

I still recall my first serious crush in high school. I was obsessed. The first guy that gave me a second look, I fell head over heels for him. We used to talk on Msn messenger and every night, I would end the conversation with an "I love you" without fail. How that ended was obvious..

First relationship as well. I used to use those three words every chance I got, I don't know if it was me being naive but I felt I needed to let him know every time we ended the a conversation. Was I overusing it? I don't know. We still broke up when he found someone else. Tragic story end, I realise saying I love you made no difference.. Personal feelings don't help keep someone close to you. They'll leave when they find someone better..

Penguin came along after that. Every night without fail, I told him I loved him. For a while he returned those words to me and then he became cold.. Distance didn't help the situation but a simple 'seen' was my reply to my daily reassurance of my feelings. Naive me.. I couldn't see he was telling someone else those exact words. I learned something: just because someone told you they loved you, it could be a lie.

Saying I love you lost its spark for me. It didn't mean anything anymore and it was just mere generic words society overused. Those words became a taboo for me. It was difficult for me to say and I don't know why, I felt uneasy and unsure when I have the urge to say it. That moment I had no one else I could say it to anyways until I met S.

It was awkward.. There was only one moment, I blurted out I love you to him. It changed the whole mood of the conversation. He just said bye and we ended the long distance call. It was embarrassing and uneasy..

Sorry I don't say I love you as much as I am suppose to. I rather just hug and kiss you to show you how much I love you. You are right Puppy, saying I love you is hard for me. My heart starts racing and I feel restless. I don't want to overuse it anymore. Yes, I say it only when I want to. Is that bad? The other days I would assume my actions alone can reassure you that I love you. Action speaks loader than words.

Do you think I would demand your attention if I didn't love you?
Do you think I would stay up till 4am so I can talk to you?

I guess that wasn't enough to keep you happy. I thought you would actually appreciate it more when I say it to you. Instead I get complains.. I'm sorry I can't shower you with "I love you's" every night like how you do.

You made it clear.

"Don't make me laugh."

Saying I love you became a joke to you..

I won't be indecisive anymore, I'll keep my promises to you.

I will NEVER say I love you anymore.
I will NEVER ask for you undivided attention ever again.
I will leave you alone from now on.

When I said I'll go. I'll mean it this time.

I love you's don't mean anything..
Leonut.

423 : Loser!

SL is a fucking loser.
I don't know how it happened, but SL just bitter all the time.
I don't think its healthy how he is always comparing himself with Pup.

He gets angry at Pup when he goes out with friends. Obviously there is nothing wrong with going out with friends but SL just gets annoyed and easily pissed at Pup. Maybe its because his life is so boring, filled with stress and exams that he gets jealous seeing pup is going out everyday with friends and having fun.

Another thing is when Pup gets gifts. So often we can see how SL is just jealous on how Pup gets everything he wants and SL gets nothing, even for his birthday SL gets nothing while Pup is showered with expensive gifts from everyone. Why is it that Pup is so lucky while SL has to work just to buy anything he wants? Remembered how SL worked a month just to buy a GoPro as a gift to himself.

SL.. You pathetic SORE LOSER.

Why can't you be happy?

Is life that sad for you? Even simple things like Instagram. You start posting more often just so you can get more followers and not lose to Pup? Or just to get more likes than him?
Yea so what if Pup loves to boast? Most of the time he doesn't even realise he is boasting cause of his brain of his. But why can't you just be happy for him?

Life isn't fair. People are born with a silver spoon. Why can't you be happy you work for things you want? Not everyone is so lucky. If you aren't lucky enough to always get what you want, isn't this the next best thing for you? Don't be such a loser and get bitter over faith written in the stars.

You bitter person. Just because of your jealously, you refuse to help the more fortunate than you. That mentality of yours that tell yourself 'they are already getting what they want all the time, why do I have to help them?'. Why should you? Not like you helping them all the time will make you happier, just means that they will get more things they want leaving you with nothing.

You purposely becoming the road block on their straight road? Perfect example of a sore loser.

SL.. You are an embarrassment to yourself.

Get slap yourself please.

Fuck you,
Letter to myself,
Leonut the SORE LOSER

422: interlock.

Our hearts are interlock, as much as I never admit..

Heart, and soul.
I don't know how it happened but it just did, maybe its how we found each other.
Both young, naive. directionless.
Finding a support pillar so strong, even in a different country we still found dependence in each other, to hold up each other through rough times always.

You are forgiving, and apparently I'm not.
I'm still angry from the day your parents won and you didn't step foot on that plane.
I'm still pissed that I felt I was lead on like that, given false hope and then crushed. Yea I know its not your fault, but who am I suppose to blame?

Yea, we are all selfish.
No matter how selfless I am, there is one thing I will always be selfish of, which is you. I'm not sharing you.
I know if you were reading this you would go "what fucking bullshit is that??" right?
I don't know..

I'm more baby than you think dear..
At least you know what you want, I'm only throwing fits at everything you say.
What a little bitch huh?

Right now.. I'm gonna prioritise the thing that is costing me 35 thousand AUD a year.
Fuck all this work and money for a piece of paper at the end of 3 years..

Exam stress..
Leonut.

421 : Strengthen your heart.

Strengthen your heart and soul.

Be more selfless, do things you know is good.
Think before your actions, if you think what you are doing is going to disappoint people you love, or not right in your heart, don't do it. Don't give it to temptations so easily.

When you done something wrong, seek forgiveness.
Don't be a coward. Don't mentally forgive yourself or presume god forgives you just like that. This isn't heaven. Don't get pissed off when someone reveals your demons. Don't shoot the messenger.

If you did nothing wrong, there will not be a single thing to be revealed. Don't blame others for protecting others. If you see your close friend being cheated on, will you not warn him? Its selfish of you to just sit and watch, saying they will sort it out themselves. You are leaving a ticking time bomb for your friend to find. That shit mentality of yours. If you were a real friend you would actually protect him, not saying you will never intervene into people's "true love" and break couples up just cause you see they are "getting better". If they really got better, there shouldn't be secrets. Don't say all relationships have their own secrets. There is a shit way to love someone with so much secrets and still call it love. Love with honesty, thats genuine love. Selfish shit. Think of your partner when you keep secrets.

Another thing.
Don't even say "why bring up the past that will ruin the present.".
Exactly like before, don't forgive yourself and expect everything to be okay. Every action has consequences. Don't think you are off the hook just cause you hid and buried your secrets, don't get pissed when someone dug them up.

The mentality I hate the most right there. Selfish, naive, a coward.

When being confronted you push the blame to others, example, the messenger that protected someone. Thats all you do. Your heart is so weak that you see a need to defend it at all cost instead of facing the consequences. Such a coward..

Be someone people will be proud of. People look down and ask whats the point in being selfless. Honestly being selfless makes you happy. Doing charity or helping strangers on the road, it lifts your soul. It strengthens you as a person and negativity just bounces of you.

Love more, THINK more, help others more, and stop expecting physical returns when you help people.

Your mentality is shit,
Leonut

420 : The girl who moan.

We had a party few days ago as a pre-exam/farewell party for a few of the dancers that were leaving back to their own countries after completing university.

Being sore from a review run of all the dances, what was initially a potluck party soon became an orgy of massages. Few of them were trying their hand in loosening the knots on Tira's shoulders as well as sampling their skills on each other to earn the title of "best masseur" among our dance club where he or she's glory will be spread across the dance club and respected by many of the senior dancers whose bodies are covered with sores and bruises after trial runs.

So those of us that decided to sit out of it sat by the side talking and finishing up the food. We didn't noticed much.. until we heard loud moans..

"DAMN... This is so good.. Even my boyfriend couldn't even hit that spot yesterday night".

Tira didn't realise what her moan of relief was coming across as, and with her eyes closed, she couldn't see the glaring eyes and the held back laughter by everyone. It was when she opened her eyes after asking it to be 'harder' did she realise what the situation was like..

No amount of explanation could save that innocent girl that night. With her blushing face buried into her knees, it was as if she lost her virginity to everyone in that room who heard what we assume is what she would sound like in bed.

So congrats Jun for making another girl moan like that.
Try me next time?

Love,
Leonut

**Sorry haven't been replying comments everyone (and anon).. Will get to it now..