419 : Red Ears.

A friend pointed out to me in the mids of dance rehearsals that a lot of guys she see have their ears glowing red and she was really curious on why is that.

I didn't even realise my ears was red till I touched it and felt the warmth.

Walking around I noticed that most guys DO have their ears red but not girls. Curiously, no one could really answer why their ears was blushing red, as they don't feel their ears were red either.
Maybe it was from dancing or the room was a little warm from all the body heat..

I know there would be an answer online but heck, i'm too tired to check right now, or rather just lazy? Anyways, the only theory i can come up with would be :

' The blood is in our ears BECAUSE its not down there.. If you see someone with pale ears, his probably having a boner at that moment. ' 

So guys, test my hypothesis tonight! Does your ears go pale when you wank?
You get to cum and I get a sample group. Haha

Anyone got theories on why your ears are red?

Bullshit level up,
Leonut <3

418 : Terrified of girls.

I don't know why but I have this thing which can be little embarrassing that may also make me sound very egoistic but ah well, time to see if anyone feels the same as me. This post is gonna be a lil shit. Just realise i can't find the proper words to write this out.

When I was in the process of resigning from my part time job, I was talking to my close girl colleague of mine. We were talking about how she was going to miss working with me and at the end of the conversation she ended it with "love you!". I read it and an overwhelming emotion just took over : Fear. 

SHIT! What if she likes me?? I'm gonna be a heartbreaker and then I'm gonna be an asshole.. I remember a few years back my neighbour's daughter had a crush on me (well thats what I think), she would spam like my Facebook photos from few years ago once in a while and it freaked me out. Naturally, I had to protect myself and let her know I wasn't interested, so ignored her for a year.. In my defence, she would never stay in sight when I'm around, just runs off somewhere.. 

Anyways, lately I've gotten closer to a few of my dance mate. One in particular gives a very flirty vibe which is scaring me a bit. She tells me like "of course you are cute" and "other guys besides XX and XX can't be compared to your looks" which I cannot tell if she is saying it in a friendly matter or flirty. She texts me once in a while for fun as well..  For one of our dance auditions we needed partners to audition together and she booked me way before hand. Unfortunately she came late and I was assigned a different partner. When i told her i didn't do that well, she offered to take a video audition with me after class..

Anyways, what i can say is. I'm terrified of girls showing affection towards me. Might be commitment issues or the fear of having to reject someone. Who knows.. Luckily for me, I don't have a lot of girls taking a liking towards me.. Mixed feelings about that.. lol?

Wtf did i just write,

Leonut

417 : This is what you have done to me.

I can put it another way and say this is what you have done to us.

You broke my trust.

I can honestly admit to you that even during our almost one year long distance, I have not felt insecure to this extend. I've always trusted you and the doubt that you were out with people you shouldn't be out with  never existed. Until now.

You deliberately lied to me countless times over the same issue and the worst part is that you lied to cover up that lie. Lie over a lie over a lie. Only when you are cornered with facts and proof thrown at your face did you admit to them. That broke my trust in you.

Yes. you can bring it up again and again, I did cheat on you the first month of our relationship. I cuddled with a friend and made out with him but that was a year ago, when our relationship foundation was weak being paved during a long distance.  But you? You choose to lie when our foundation was build as strong as ever, when we spent almost everyday together for 3 months. You say its the same but is it?..

You keep telling me you lied to me but you love me. Does loving me make it okay to lie? The word love sounds like an excuse to me. Its like : I can do shit but as long as I don't cheat, its okay, cause I love you. I don't know if i'm the only one that think this is utter bullshit.

So right now when you tell me you are with your family, I don't trust you, I don't believe you. You could be out on a date or something, I would never know. You took effort to lie to me before and ensured me you weren't lying when I found out you still kept stuff from me.

"I swear. I've told you everything"

Sounds familiar? Told me that right before I found out you still were lying. So when you tell me the same thing now, what am I to feel? You say my friends have no business in this. Yes I know thats true to an extend, they don't know you at all. But they know me. They know whats good for me and they see all the pained you caused me. Its embarrassing when people see red eyes and can figure out what happen..

Once bitten, twice shy, thrice? I'm dumb shit. But now its the fourth of fifth time. What am I?

I know I'm a spiteful person when you hurt or offend me. But you know why I don't take revenge? If I ever do something similar to what you did, the moment you lose your trust in me, we are gonna crumble. There is a reason why I don't call you my boyfriend or say I love you anymore. I don't know when you will gain my trust back, but until you do, I don't want the same shit to repeat itself. I'm putting a safety net on this.

There is no telling if the hurt and betrayal I feel will push me to do things as revenge.

There is another issue.
Don't expect me to say I love you back just cause you said it to me. You have to right to expect that for me after you did things behind my back like that. Don't overuse "I love you", the more you use it, the lesser it has in value. I say it when I feel like saying it.

So this is what you did to me. The relationship may still be prefect to you but its not to me anymore.. My part is crumbling and you don't see it..

Why did you even do such things?..

Yes, this is me showing all my weakness to the world...
Pathetic.

Leonut.

416 : A little something something.

There is no denying how much I have neglected writing in this little online journal of mine. Constantly having something to do, work, uni, dance etc, I can honestly say I'm mentally drained which leaves me with little to no provision to sit down and type out a story from my day. Heh.. Feels like I've become the boring monotonous person I've expected myself to become. Same routines everyday, see the same people literally everyday, cooking the same food everyday, where is the excitement?

I guess changing my laptop made me forget I had a blog most of the time. The little blogger icon is no longer bookmarked next to the usual Facebook or twitter icons anymore. Heck, it isn't even on my bookmark list anymore. Which reminds me I should really add it in now. 

So what have you guys been up to? Scrolling down the reading list only did I realise how much I have to catch up with in the blogger world. Seldom keep contact with Jboy and other bloggers as well which makes me actually feel foreign in this blogger world again. Only difference now is, do i have the time to slowly familiarise myself all over again?

I'm actually more open now. I really don't mind who knows about me and people don't mind about me either. Just looking back, I realise how wrong I am to be scared of coming out to people in fear of being judge. I even have straight guy friends asking me details of my relationship.. The world is more open and my mind should be more open as well. 

I've quit my job in the beginning of the year. Having no income coming in every week, I feel so vulnerable. Its just an odd feeling I can't describe. I have been so stingy with my money that I've actually refused to eat out with friends or chip in with presents for friends. All this lasted a while till a close friend of mine made me realise how much I was torturing myself. We were sitting under the stars during camp, being in the suburbs, the stars were nothing like the city's, each bright and significant in the sky. With the cold sea breeze, she handed me a can of Smirnoff she bought. I knew the price of one can: 40$ for 10 cans. She drank one and she gave everything else away (I had two.. :3). It was just so odd to me how she was so generous with money. What she told me just changed my mentality. She wasn't rich but she wasn't poor either, what her parents told her is the same as what my parents have always told me. Buy things to reward yourself once in a while. They earned the money and have constantly asked me to enjoy myself, when the time comes when I start working, I will pay them back for it. Seeing how she was happy with what ever she was doing made me realise how being so cheap is poison to myself.. 

Dance! If you have my Facebook you will see how dancing has been the only thing I've been doing. With no work to take up my time, dancing has overrun my life. Had performances last week and it was amazing. The amount of compliments I got just felt like hard work paid off. Even seniors messaged me and told me how proud they are of me. <3 

Dance, Dance, Dance, Dance?

The puppy issue?.. I don't know where we are now.. When we broke up the emptiness just consumed me to the point I couldn't even concentrate during dance. I dunno how but that stupid boy manage to wiggle himself back into my life even after being blocked from almost everything. The one thing I totally forgot to block, he messaged me from there.. Facepalm moment. Its rocky again.. I still don't trust him... I know there is a "but" in that sentence but I don't know what it is. Everyone that knows what happened scolded me for taking him back. All the "aiyoooo.. don't la.." and "Oii!! What is this?" I have been hearing from disapproving friends. Love them. So i guess I am taking a chance again. I hate to admit it but i honestly feel he will be the best thing that will EVER happen to me. Anyone out there to prove me wrong can always send me an email.. lol? 

So why am i writing these random stuff? 

Its my bloggie's birthday. Happy 3rd Birthday!

Grew so much with this blog. 

Till the next time,

Fucktastic loads of love,

Leonut

Ps. Birthday Gift : Found the hidden link to my dance video in this post? 

Can finally put a face to the name leonut eh? lol..