255 : Heart vs Brain vs Penis

Never ending battle between them 3.
 Lust, Love and The Right Thing to do?

Was quite down since the previous post and some how I was convinced i loved the guy, that my rejection was a mistake. We talked more then usual after that, skyping each other few hours at a time in the afternoon and night.  Sending each other cheeky messages and all and planning trips when i get back.

It was all good. Until..

I decided to wank..

Right after that everything felt so wrong!! I was like "OMG!! WHAT HAVE I DONE??" (The feeling of love and leading him on.. Not wanking.. Wanking never feels wrong.. :3)

What people say its true. If you still love that person after ejaculation, you are in love. If not its just lust.

Thinking with my dick again..

So far there has only been 3 people that I said/ could say "i love you" after. But heh.. Oh wells.

Got to go straighten things out before it goes futher.

Love,
Leonut

242 : Attention

Everyone is yearning for attention,
Each person does it, its only human of us to do so.
This ultimately result in the birth of the "attention whore",
But what really is of that vain picture in the bathroom mirror is a way of expression for attention.

Everyone does it in a different way,
Through the internet like youtube or twitter,
Through eye catching clothing like branded clothing,
Or even the way of speech, flirting maybe?

When it comes down to it, everyone wants to be famous and hold influencing power,
To see our name's plastered over walls (Hopefully for a good reason), in magazine and or in videos.
The proud moment when you see your name in the newspaper is just exhilarating.

Just a note to someone, when you manage to get on your pedestal,
Just make sure your head does not inflate from the high altitude?
Don't insult people calling them ugly and you are happy they wont have ugly kids,
You are gay and I'm positive the chances of them getting kids is higher then yours.


_________________________________________________

Anyways.. I rejected someone's attention yesterday and I think its just conflict of my nature..
Part of me just really wants to be alone for the time being while another part wants someone to talk to..
Just so confused internally and i don't even know where to start breaking down the problem..
I need therapy..

  "Leonut is confused! It hurts itself in its confusion!"
"Leonut fainted!"

Lol..
Pokemon anyone?

Leonut.

241 : Another.

Peeling the scab of an unhealed wound,
Fresh gushing blood prolongs the healing,
Leaving black blood,
Visible to everyone against the pale skin,
Eventually scarring you for life.


The thing is I can't tell the difference between a rebound and love. Asking anyone and they will tell you that you are just having a rebound, and everything you have feeling now is just a result of misdirected affection. Is it true?.

The state of confusion I am in now, I really don't know what is going on most of the time. Just like that I hurt another with my stupid emotions. The ghost of my past still lingering around me, hovering over my shoulders, the feeling of guilt and treating someone so unfairly..
I just had to stop it before it goes out of hand..

I think I'll just stay single till 25..

Leonut

82 : Attached

Hm.. how do i start this..
I'm attached, that is undeniable...
I really love him dearly.. but..
I have this deep feeling that it wont work..
Am i horrible for having this feeling?
I really don't know why im feeling this..
Im just confused...

3 days after we first met, we got together.. Today is our weekersary i suppose?
Is the relationship too rush?... Is there such thing??
I realize when thinking what to buy for him as a birthday present that i dont know alot about him and I'm positive its a mutual thing.

Today he applied to go to Australia for a uni choice just because I'm going to Australia next year.
My pessimistic thinking just kicked in.. What if we break up? I already told him i don't want to be a factor influencing his uni choice but he said he wanted to.

GAH!! I just lost the purpose of this post..

Love you dear..

39: Who am i?....

I have no idea what my personality is now. Im a totally different person when talking to a plu, generally happier and more relaxed. A normal conversation with someone straight now seems tense compared to when with a plu. Does this mean that when i come out i will change completely being generally more relaxed around people? Am i living a lie now?.. Im dying to come out but i know its not the right time... :(