383 : The stars decided?

I'm sitting in front of my laptop just refreshing pages and websites continuously. Only after a while did i realize how easily socially deprived i am.

My nights usually consist of eating dinner, going through the usual websites(occasionally porn), and then before long, Puppy will be online and we would talk for hours but this day is different. Puppy is busy and i'm left here alone. I always knew i don't have close friends but it never hit me till now. I have no one to talk to.

There are people that I used to talk to almost everyday, but as the days or weeks go by, I kinda get a cold shoulder from them. Few worded messages compared to the long ones we used to have, conversation topics would get dull and never seem to last, I would just feel so cold and distant that most times talking to them I would feel like a burden or I'm annoying them.. and we just stop talking completely.

Its tragic really.. Whats more pathetic than being in my current state of social deprivation and restlessness would be the fact I'm actually blogging about it to the whole world which would now know how friendless and sad my life really is.

A friend of mine is a really strong believer of horoscopes. She would read her year forecast(is that the right term?), month, week and often day forecasts as well. She uses them as a guideline for her current situation, but i'm shall not go into it tonight.. Well when she passed me my horoscope, I was quite stunned on how it actually describes my person as a whole.

An Aquarius. The page I read about my life mentioned I would have many friends, but non close friends. If i would actually manage to get a close friend, the chances are that they would rarely stay through my life. Most people would say "bullshit", but it was true. Through out primary and secondary school, I was actually hard for me to actually have a best friend. Through secondary school itself i had 3 different "best friend". That so, I was never their "top" friend. Pitiful? More like Pathetic. Maybe i'm just bad in making friends but among all 3 of them, non of them I'm still in contact with. Messages to them would be replied half a day or more than a day later, with replies which are impossible to reply to..

So my twinkle twinkle stars? Am i cursed with the failure you have decided? Yes I am.

Good nights.
Leonut.

Feel blessed if you have a friend to share everything with, wonder if this is what I will go through for the rest of my life.. I fucking hate this..

249 : 2012 ½

Its only little over half a year and I'm already dreading this year to the max.

This first fuck that happen to me in this year would be B. Being able to spend the first day of the year with him, I thought it was a sign of a good year ahead, that the whole year would be just as happy as i was on that day. It was just a belief that i had.. I was wrong.. Everything fell apart and i was broken.

Its been already half a year but uni still feels as foreign to be as Egypt. There is nothing to look forward to and I only have 2 close friends which are from the same college as I was. I know everyone would say i should go out and make friends, that i shouldn't be so 'keep-to-myself' type and just talk to people. Hell! If you know me personally, you would know I can just talk to anyone and make friends. Some how for people here.. You just get a vibe from them that they are really.. uninterested?
Basically its the whites look down on you because you are asian and they think they are better then you, The people from China people look down on everyone just because they are from China, the Indonesians are like glue to each other and it is almost impossible to find glue as strong as theirs, and the Singaporeans look down on Malaysians due to obvious reasons.. (Sorry if i offended anyone but that how my friend and I see it..).

White > China > Indonesians + Singaporeans > Malaysian

lol?

I do have Malaysian friends but since everyone is having different course, you seldom see each other in Uni.

Due to the emotional problems in the beginning of the year, i didn't manage to join a dance club since they only take members in the beginning of the semester. I am so deprived of dancing, it just leaves me like a zombie most of the time. Dancing in your room is not the same as dancing in a studio with proper choreography. I really need to start dancing again..

I realize how I'm drifting away from my Malaysian friends. Its like what happened to be during college. Everyone in my high school went to HELP while only a handful of us went to Taylor's and other colleges. Since everyone is together in HELP with their own cliques, you aren't really notice when you are gone and slowly forgotten, which is exactly what is happening now. Everyone is busy with their own exams, performances and activities, its hard to talk to them. When I do manage to talk to them, they are talking to other people and i only get replies few mins a time.

Most people wont be in Malaysia when i get back too. Most of them are heading to UK for studies. I have 3 dance partners. Currently, one is in New Zealand, one is on the her way to Germany and another UK. Awesome... There is also this guy which i was close to that is going overseas which i miss dearly..
 

I literally blocked someone off from ever contacting me in anyway possible yesterday.. Initially we were really close then i realize i was using him as a rebound, so naturally i told him about it and true enough, my feelings for him faded. We were still friends at first but i could feel he was still hopping for something to happen from the way he talked to me. No matter how i tried to tell him nothing would happen he was still hopeful and trying. I don't want him to waste time on me and move on with his life and i didn't see any way to force him to it since he never listened.. so i blocked him.. He was crying so badly yesterday and my heart just sank..
If you are reading this.. I'm really really sorry..
I'm an asshole.

I changed so much in this half year and i don't like what i'm changing to..
I don't like you 2012..  Hopefully the next half a year would be good to me.

The end of the world better not be 2012!! If the world were to end, at least be a good year!! Not some depressing year!! 2013. Half a year more!

Leonut!

228 : Rejection

The feeling of rejecting someone..
The feeling of telling someone things you know will hurt him..
The feeling of seeing his smile change to a frown..

I am really really not good at this..
It fucking sucks to see someone so sad because of what i am saying..
What i am conveying to him..

I feel like crying..

222 : Losing faith?..

Our type of relationship..

Same sex relationships..

A few friends were talking to me about these on separate occasions..

About how they lost faith in gay relationships..

How it never lasts, where it always ends in a heart break..

And we will grow old alone.

Do you think it's true?..

One friend of mine told me he wish he was born straight,

He is still desperately trying to fall in love with girl, hoping one day he can change his preference.

It may sound a futile effort but you can't blame him..

A few years ago a Malaysian couple stayed in uk unlawfully.

They applied for refugee statues and were granted it on the stance that their country forbids their type of relationship.

They were so amiable in a way, running away together due to a forbidden relationship,

The relationship however, became bitter soon after..

An example on how the strongest of hearts could just be broken like that..

Stereotyped gay relationships are where dicks run the whole thing, 

When you get bored you just move on and find another.

So often..

Most relationships never even last past 1 year..

Some people even says that gay relationships should be counted differently,

Something like cat years or dog years. 

Gay relationships are the sweetest in my opinion though.

How 2 individuals manage to overcome all the challenges a LGBT individual face,

And manage to find happiness.

But is it only temporary?

The government have a part to blame for all these,

If it was treated more equally like other straight relationships, we wouldn't face so much of these problems..

If marriage would be allowed, gay relationships would be recognized as a real relationship and less breakups would occur out of plain meaningless reasons.

And if we manage to get child rights couples would have more reasons to stay together for the sake of the child too.. 

In a way, locking down the relationship..

I'm just trying to stay hopeful..

That I would find someone that last..

That I would not fall victim to a stereotype relationship. 

Since last time I guess I'm just scared..

Having flings just so I can feel better but what good is that..

I'm just feeling more depressed before..

I never cried so hard before, yet I just don't know why..

"It's better to grow old rich and alone rather then growing old poor and alone. Studies comes first" 
-Leonut

Hope I can take my own advice.. 

Exams are soon..

Leonut..

105 : I am hopeless

Yes, im extremely hopeless.
You create this barrier in your mind, telling you stop, telling you that you have been hurt, stay away, let things be, forget, let go..
Fortify your barrier, strengthen with steel, drill with nails and build with bricks..
Swear a bit.. Scream a bit..
Im ready.. I wont feel a thing.. Im strong..

Then i see you...
Cracks appear in the barrier, everything comes crashing down, into pieces...
Every single advice that people told me just vanish..
I feel like crying.. i miss you..
I really really do..
I miss your voice...
I wanted to talk to you..

People keep tell me don't let you get the satisfaction of having someone clinging on to you..
But..
I really dont know what im feeling..
You probably dont care..
I doubt you still read my blog..

After my exam i wanted to look for you..
But i dint had the guts.. Then i did something stupid...

Im hopeless..
Ck...

98 : Numb

Numb.. Stressed.. Frustrated.. Annoyed..
I'm getting very moody and emo because of the weather..
Because of exams.. because of the direction my life is going..
Because imy..

My eyes hurt..
When i go to sleep.. i see you..
I have the similar dreams as the past..
Every single time..

Part of me refuse to believe..
I'm holding on..
I'm doing things that conflicts with everything i want to do..
I dont believe..
I need to focus..

Fly?..
Ck..

96 :

I feel this heavy burden on my heart..
I miss you dear..
I really really miss spending time with you..
All i get now a days are sms's during your between times..
When you take a 5 min break from studies, before you sleep..
After my reply, you wont reply till your next break..
I feel very frustrated..
I feel a heartache..

I know you are having exams..
But i really wish i had 10 mins of your day everyday..
Where you wont worry about your exams, where you will talk to me like before..

I dont dare call you.. I dont dare interrupt your studying..
The last time i ask you if you would go for a walk with me..
You told me needed to study..
I understand.. but i died a little inside..

People keep telling me to stop thinking so much..
But im not thinking.. Its how im feeling..
I feel very hurt...
Like you dont love me anymore..

Dear..
I sure you dont mean it..
I know i should talk to you about this personally,
but i figure writing it here would be the best, when you are reading this, im sure you wont feel so stressed, when your exam is over, and you have free time..
I know, i know.. After your exams..
I just hope this feeling goes away soon...

Good Luck for your exams dear...
Love you..

94 : ...

I had no idea where i was, it was such a foreign place..
Like an abandon urban jungle, vines were growing everywhere, but, it was full of life..
There were people everywhere, like an urban retreat, lifestyle there was luxurious, a hotel maybe?
Suddenly, i realize i was climbing multiple flights of hanging stairs..
It was towards your direction, i could feel it in my bones! I knew where you where!
There it was! That door!!
I open the door and entered the room to see you waiting for me on one of the three white single sofas in the room.. You look towards me and your warm smile greeted me.
I hug you tightly, gently kiss you on the cheek...
...
...
...
...
*Bzzzzzz* *Bzzzzzz*
My alarm rang.. a dream..
_______________________________________________

I woke up, got dressed and it was off to college!
There you were with R studying on the exact table as you were yesterday.
As i walked up to your table filled with books and notes,
I could see you were studying very hard, i felt so proud!
But then a sudden cloud of sadness covered me..

Seem like now-a-days the only time i spent with you, you are studying..
I don't dare interrupt you..
I know this exam is very very important and i sound so selfish saying this.. but..
I miss spending time with you.. When your attention was directed only to me..
I feel neglected.. I dont get much of your time anymore..

There is nothing we can do about this.. An exam is an exam, the date is set, pulling you away to spend time with me would be inappropriate..
After a dream where we spend countless hours together, i guess i was just bumped waking up to the reality constricted by time..

I'll wait for you till the 22nd..

Your teddy bear,
Ck..

52: The pressure..

The pressure i currently face is unbearable..
The thought of every single deadline crashing down on me..
The expectations of  others..
The expectations of myself..
I'm at the break of tears..

Today i toke the decision of pulling the plug on something i've been working hard on for the pass 3 weeks..
I had no choice.. Putting the choreography that i thought worthy on the opening stage would end in disaster, i would be the one to blame if things go wrong.
I'm being watched constantly, by the ones wielding powers, by the ones that judge, the ones that put the responsibility one me. I should have said no.

10 more days till my life crashes down on me.
4 major projects due and 2 test that contributes to my Atar the whole next week..
Huge scale dance performance on Friday and saturday. 3 more practices to go... No choreography to show till now..
I'm wasting people's time, my grades are dropping, im going into depression soon..
I really have no idea what to do....
I feel like running away..

25: Life...

Before i was 16, i knew already what i am but i always pass the thought of myself as a phase. A phase that will fade in time. I pictured myself "normal", getting a girlfriend, getting married et cetera. 

When i was 16, i met this guy through a friend. He was sweet, dramatic and an overall a very good friend. He is one year older then me, a senior. I really enjoyed his company but i never thought further then that.
Tell you guys a secret, i honestly had no idea how does it feel to be loved, or sure of what the feeling of loving someone.

In the middle of the year, something happened that made me discover he was too, someone like me, like us.. That finally made me broke away from the thought of phase i was having. It was never going to fade, it was my life.  He was the first person i could really talk to and i wanted us to be more then friends. Being foolish and stupid, i complicated things. The relationship never happened, i made the worst mistake, i lost him,he left my life... I've never talked to him since that day we broke it off..

That made a big impact on my life especially my self esteem. I myself was born not the best looking, I have many flaws. Im expressive and outgoing, many people consider me annoying because i love to talk and express myself that hurt my self esteem even more.. I hit rock bottom a lot, not talking to anyone for the whole day. Every time i feel like i like a guy, i distance myself from him in fear of losing him, it kills me inside.. I never dare pursuit a relationship, I've caved myself in for defense. I feel awfully lonely, but i dont dare go out of my safety zone..

I don't have a single friend in real life that i can talk to about everything. Im jealous of all the straight people.. They can openly seek advice from others while i cant.. I bottled up every emotion i feel .. Im jealous that straight people can just openly say who they like, i cant. They can find love so much more easily. Life just isnt fair..

Klex..