340 : i. m. y

That night, the last skype call we had..
I told you i had something to talk to you about and you instantly knew where the conversation was heading..

The moment you told me "i miss you", it struck me..
It stuck me that this feeling of miss and deprivation will never go away.
It will never be satisfied and the warmth of your hug can't be felt through the screen.
That we both have to bare this distress feeling for another year without being quenched..

New years day i was excited you were finally back..
I could skype you again!
Second I got home around 3am, I turned on skype, restless and eager to talk to you again, but you weren't on..
Waited till 5am but you didn't reply..
Sucky way to start the year.. :(

I'm just scared..
Did i make a mistake that day we stopped skyping?...

I miss you...
And i'm sorry...

Should be flying by the time you read this..
Talk to you in a week..
Love,
Leonut

Two weddings and a funeral. Can you hug me like this when we meet?.. 

Written on 02-01-2013

250: Someone

There is always someone in life,
Who doesn't care about you..

They never reply your messages,
Don't reply your "hi"s.
And even if they do, it would be hours later.

You tell yourself everyday that its pointless to care,
That you are wasting your time and effort,
That you are only poking a sleeping tiger.

You refrain yourself from contacting them..
But at a moment of weakness, you still do.

Yesterday I saw pictures of his injury.
He apparently fell from a high place and was badly wounded..
I told myself that i wouldn't care or bother anymore,
But seeing those pictures just made my heart sank..
I sent him a message wishing him a speedy recovery,
As usual, no reply..

Reading back what i have just typed..
Lol..
I feel so stupid..
I miss you..

110 : Last time

This shall be my last time I'm going to blog about emotional stuff..

Yes, i have not yet go.. Dreams just draw my heart closer to him, the body contact, the warmth.. everything just seems so real..
I wake up tearing..
I really really miss him.. secretly i wish the feeling is mutual..
I still do wonder if i did something wrong.. To have made his feelings towards me deplete so quickly..
Seeing him with R everyday just hurts more..
Even when i was with him, R was always there with us..
R likes KL.. He actually told me before my break up which makes everything more painful..

I need to let go..

I cant take it any longer, thought that we were stronger, all we do is linger, slipping through my fingers, I don't want to try now, all that's left is goodbye to find a way to tell you, i hate this part right here.. I'm sure you never mean to hurt me, but i never thought we fall out of place. I wish you never looked at me that way. I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing, when a heart breaks it don't break even. What am i suppose to say when I'm all choked up and you are okay, I'm falling to pieces.. Dear.. If i lay here, if i just lay here, would you lie with my and just forget the world? Forget what we are told, before we get too old, show me garden that is bursting full of life.. Never mind, i'll find someone like you... I wish nothing best for you too. Don't forget me, i think I'll remember you said, sometimes it last in love sometimes it hurts instead. In another life, I'll be your guy, we'll keep full our promises, it'll be us against the world. In another life, i would make you stay, so i don't have to say you are the one that got away. I hope you see right through my walls, i hope that you'll catch me because I'm already falling, you put your arms around me and I'm home.. Honestly, if you ask me, how I'm doing, I'll say I'm doing just fine, i'll lie and say that you aren't on my mind.. I still love you...

The soundtracks of my days...
I'll need time..
I'll recover..
Till then..
F.L.Y.

Ck..

96 :

I feel this heavy burden on my heart..
I miss you dear..
I really really miss spending time with you..
All i get now a days are sms's during your between times..
When you take a 5 min break from studies, before you sleep..
After my reply, you wont reply till your next break..
I feel very frustrated..
I feel a heartache..

I know you are having exams..
But i really wish i had 10 mins of your day everyday..
Where you wont worry about your exams, where you will talk to me like before..

I dont dare call you.. I dont dare interrupt your studying..
The last time i ask you if you would go for a walk with me..
You told me needed to study..
I understand.. but i died a little inside..

People keep telling me to stop thinking so much..
But im not thinking.. Its how im feeling..
I feel very hurt...
Like you dont love me anymore..

Dear..
I sure you dont mean it..
I know i should talk to you about this personally,
but i figure writing it here would be the best, when you are reading this, im sure you wont feel so stressed, when your exam is over, and you have free time..
I know, i know.. After your exams..
I just hope this feeling goes away soon...

Good Luck for your exams dear...
Love you..