Saturday, 23 August 2014

425 : I'm tired.

I'm tired of taking care of people.

I know its not the way I'm suppose to feel but it feels like I'm just giving and giving to the world and i get nothing back. I'm just tired of giving all the time, when is my turn to receive?..

Really seems like people come to me only when they need help. Jun is having problems with her jaw and she can't eat solid food for the time being. She messaged me and within hours I was at her place with 2 days worth of mash potatoes I made with ham and eggs just so she can have food to eat while she prepares for her exam. I was glad to do it for her but its like after exams she called dance friends out for lunch but I wasn't invited..

Everyone just comes to be with their problems and ONLY their problems..

Talking to friends, they always talk to me about their relationship problems, their worries, their stress.. I'm glad they trust me and all but I just feel so empty when I see them talking to others about something fun..  Even my mum, she talks to be about serious things about money, health and all but when she talks to my siblings they are always laughing and joking around. Do people take me as a rag doll? or someone that you can't talk casual with? I don't want to grow up honestly.. I don't want to have problem over problem thrown at me that forces me to see how scary the world is..

I know what everyone thinks of.. but i'm just so distant when it comes to anything fun and casual..

When puppy doesn't have food, he'll come over and I'll cook for him. When he is sick, I'm there for him.. Bag heavy, I carry. But when is it my turn to be taken care of?... Realise he won't cuddle me when sleeping which just makes me feel empty as well..

Today on the tram a old man was trying to get his market trolley up the tram and everyone just stood there and stare. I helped him and the young lady business woman around mid twenties asked me for help as well.. I'm glad to help them but when she was getting down, she actually went up to me and asked me to carry it down for her as well (same as the old man). I mean c'mon.. her trolley was light as a feather, felt like nothing was in it. Just making used of me?..

Whats the point of being selfless?...
Why put others above me when it makes me feel so empty?..

Someone taught me how fragile and temporary life is, so whats the point of life?
Live, suffer and then die?
Why can't we just cut the suffer out?

Everyone is just enjoying themselves and i'm drowned with worries.. I want to have a day where I can just be a kid again and people take care of me.. Maybe run away next week of just one day and switch of my phone..

Guys.. I'm sick and tired..
Hiding under my table again and just breaking down..