Wednesday, 31 December 2014


Curious how I have the crave for a male's touch rather than a female's.
Wonder is it a mentality thing or pheromones.. I'm sure there is a proper explanation for it but if there isn't, could it be that something is really wrong with my brain? Is that why homosexuals are call abominations by outsiders looking in. Fascinating how different people are, everyone somehow just falls under a certain category, the gays, the lesbians, the bisexuals and transgenders, within them, their own subgroups, the feminine gays, the drags, the jocks and all.. Everyone with their own district trait..

I really don't know where this post is going to go but i'm just going to keep typing.. I see parents, friends and strangers always talking about a gay comedian, or a drag queen that made them laugh, but if their own son or daughter falls within the "different" category, they lose their mind.. They become angry, they scream, they shout, verbal and physical abuse occurs. The victim, feeling betrayed and hurt struggles to defend themselves from the two guardians that have guided and walked every step of life with them.. Confused..

Just like that.. I lost puppy.. his parents found out and our relationship ended on the spot.. 3 months to 2 years together just ended like that.. I'm banned from seeing or talking to him, every physical evidence of our relationship erase within the hour.. He is probably going to be transferred back to Malaysia just to further enforce the no contact rule.. So there goes everything. The plan to move in with me just burned away, the future we planned is gone.. Way to start new years crying in my room for hours right?..

Whats the point in living when you can't love who you want, or be loved for who you are?

Even if we get out of this, when the time comes I'll face the spot light myself.. Why drag Puppy through another one?..

Ending the year with a broken heart. Feeling heavy, hollow, confuse... So many things I have planned and foresee but this was never one of them.. Not so soon anyway.

To anyone reading my blog on new years eve, have a good new year!

Close the last page of the book today and start a new story tomorrow.

My love story however, just got cut short..

Good luck of the new years.

Saturday, 23 August 2014

425 : I'm tired.

I'm tired of taking care of people.

I know its not the way I'm suppose to feel but it feels like I'm just giving and giving to the world and i get nothing back. I'm just tired of giving all the time, when is my turn to receive?..

Really seems like people come to me only when they need help. Jun is having problems with her jaw and she can't eat solid food for the time being. She messaged me and within hours I was at her place with 2 days worth of mash potatoes I made with ham and eggs just so she can have food to eat while she prepares for her exam. I was glad to do it for her but its like after exams she called dance friends out for lunch but I wasn't invited..

Everyone just comes to be with their problems and ONLY their problems..

Talking to friends, they always talk to me about their relationship problems, their worries, their stress.. I'm glad they trust me and all but I just feel so empty when I see them talking to others about something fun..  Even my mum, she talks to be about serious things about money, health and all but when she talks to my siblings they are always laughing and joking around. Do people take me as a rag doll? or someone that you can't talk casual with? I don't want to grow up honestly.. I don't want to have problem over problem thrown at me that forces me to see how scary the world is..

I know what everyone thinks of.. but i'm just so distant when it comes to anything fun and casual..

When puppy doesn't have food, he'll come over and I'll cook for him. When he is sick, I'm there for him.. Bag heavy, I carry. But when is it my turn to be taken care of?... Realise he won't cuddle me when sleeping which just makes me feel empty as well..

Today on the tram a old man was trying to get his market trolley up the tram and everyone just stood there and stare. I helped him and the young lady business woman around mid twenties asked me for help as well.. I'm glad to help them but when she was getting down, she actually went up to me and asked me to carry it down for her as well (same as the old man). I mean c'mon.. her trolley was light as a feather, felt like nothing was in it. Just making used of me?..

Whats the point of being selfless?...
Why put others above me when it makes me feel so empty?..

Someone taught me how fragile and temporary life is, so whats the point of life?
Live, suffer and then die?
Why can't we just cut the suffer out?

Everyone is just enjoying themselves and i'm drowned with worries.. I want to have a day where I can just be a kid again and people take care of me.. Maybe run away next week of just one day and switch of my phone..

Guys.. I'm sick and tired..
Hiding under my table again and just breaking down..


Wednesday, 18 June 2014

424 : Saying I love you.

I don't know about others but it's hard to say I love you to someone, especially on a long distance.

I still recall my first serious crush in high school. I was obsessed. The first guy that gave me a second look, I fell head over heels for him. We used to talk on Msn messenger and every night, I would end the conversation with an "I love you" without fail. How that ended was obvious..

First relationship as well. I used to use those three words every chance I got, I don't know if it was me being naive but I felt I needed to let him know every time we ended the a conversation. Was I overusing it? I don't know. We still broke up when he found someone else. Tragic story end, I realise saying I love you made no difference.. Personal feelings don't help keep someone close to you. They'll leave when they find someone better..

Penguin came along after that. Every night without fail, I told him I loved him. For a while he returned those words to me and then he became cold.. Distance didn't help the situation but a simple 'seen' was my reply to my daily reassurance of my feelings. Naive me.. I couldn't see he was telling someone else those exact words. I learned something: just because someone told you they loved you, it could be a lie.

Saying I love you lost its spark for me. It didn't mean anything anymore and it was just mere generic words society overused. Those words became a taboo for me. It was difficult for me to say and I don't know why, I felt uneasy and unsure when I have the urge to say it. That moment I had no one else I could say it to anyways until I met S.

It was awkward.. There was only one moment, I blurted out I love you to him. It changed the whole mood of the conversation. He just said bye and we ended the long distance call. It was embarrassing and uneasy..

Sorry I don't say I love you as much as I am suppose to. I rather just hug and kiss you to show you how much I love you. You are right Puppy, saying I love you is hard for me. My heart starts racing and I feel restless. I don't want to overuse it anymore. Yes, I say it only when I want to. Is that bad? The other days I would assume my actions alone can reassure you that I love you. Action speaks loader than words.

Do you think I would demand your attention if I didn't love you?
Do you think I would stay up till 4am so I can talk to you?

I guess that wasn't enough to keep you happy. I thought you would actually appreciate it more when I say it to you. Instead I get complains.. I'm sorry I can't shower you with "I love you's" every night like how you do.

You made it clear.

"Don't make me laugh."

Saying I love you became a joke to you..

I won't be indecisive anymore, I'll keep my promises to you.

I will NEVER say I love you anymore.
I will NEVER ask for you undivided attention ever again.
I will leave you alone from now on.

When I said I'll go. I'll mean it this time.

I love you's don't mean anything..

Saturday, 14 June 2014

423 : Loser!

SL is a fucking loser.
I don't know how it happened, but SL just bitter all the time.
I don't think its healthy how he is always comparing himself with Pup.

He gets angry at Pup when he goes out with friends. Obviously there is nothing wrong with going out with friends but SL just gets annoyed and easily pissed at Pup. Maybe its because his life is so boring, filled with stress and exams that he gets jealous seeing pup is going out everyday with friends and having fun.

Another thing is when Pup gets gifts. So often we can see how SL is just jealous on how Pup gets everything he wants and SL gets nothing, even for his birthday SL gets nothing while Pup is showered with expensive gifts from everyone. Why is it that Pup is so lucky while SL has to work just to buy anything he wants? Remembered how SL worked a month just to buy a GoPro as a gift to himself.

SL.. You pathetic SORE LOSER.

Why can't you be happy?

Is life that sad for you? Even simple things like Instagram. You start posting more often just so you can get more followers and not lose to Pup? Or just to get more likes than him?
Yea so what if Pup loves to boast? Most of the time he doesn't even realise he is boasting cause of his brain of his. But why can't you just be happy for him?

Life isn't fair. People are born with a silver spoon. Why can't you be happy you work for things you want? Not everyone is so lucky. If you aren't lucky enough to always get what you want, isn't this the next best thing for you? Don't be such a loser and get bitter over faith written in the stars.

You bitter person. Just because of your jealously, you refuse to help the more fortunate than you. That mentality of yours that tell yourself 'they are already getting what they want all the time, why do I have to help them?'. Why should you? Not like you helping them all the time will make you happier, just means that they will get more things they want leaving you with nothing.

You purposely becoming the road block on their straight road? Perfect example of a sore loser.

SL.. You are an embarrassment to yourself.

Get slap yourself please.

Fuck you,
Letter to myself,
Leonut the SORE LOSER

Sunday, 8 June 2014

422: interlock.

Our hearts are interlock, as much as I never admit..

Heart, and soul.
I don't know how it happened but it just did, maybe its how we found each other.
Both young, naive. directionless.
Finding a support pillar so strong, even in a different country we still found dependence in each other, to hold up each other through rough times always.

You are forgiving, and apparently I'm not.
I'm still angry from the day your parents won and you didn't step foot on that plane.
I'm still pissed that I felt I was lead on like that, given false hope and then crushed. Yea I know its not your fault, but who am I suppose to blame?

Yea, we are all selfish.
No matter how selfless I am, there is one thing I will always be selfish of, which is you. I'm not sharing you.
I know if you were reading this you would go "what fucking bullshit is that??" right?
I don't know..

I'm more baby than you think dear..
At least you know what you want, I'm only throwing fits at everything you say.
What a little bitch huh?

Right now.. I'm gonna prioritise the thing that is costing me 35 thousand AUD a year.
Fuck all this work and money for a piece of paper at the end of 3 years..

Exam stress..

Thursday, 5 June 2014

421 : Strengthen your heart.

Strengthen your heart and soul.

Be more selfless, do things you know is good.
Think before your actions, if you think what you are doing is going to disappoint people you love, or not right in your heart, don't do it. Don't give it to temptations so easily.

When you done something wrong, seek forgiveness.
Don't be a coward. Don't mentally forgive yourself or presume god forgives you just like that. This isn't heaven. Don't get pissed off when someone reveals your demons. Don't shoot the messenger.

If you did nothing wrong, there will not be a single thing to be revealed. Don't blame others for protecting others. If you see your close friend being cheated on, will you not warn him? Its selfish of you to just sit and watch, saying they will sort it out themselves. You are leaving a ticking time bomb for your friend to find. That shit mentality of yours. If you were a real friend you would actually protect him, not saying you will never intervene into people's "true love" and break couples up just cause you see they are "getting better". If they really got better, there shouldn't be secrets. Don't say all relationships have their own secrets. There is a shit way to love someone with so much secrets and still call it love. Love with honesty, thats genuine love. Selfish shit. Think of your partner when you keep secrets.

Another thing.
Don't even say "why bring up the past that will ruin the present.".
Exactly like before, don't forgive yourself and expect everything to be okay. Every action has consequences. Don't think you are off the hook just cause you hid and buried your secrets, don't get pissed when someone dug them up.

The mentality I hate the most right there. Selfish, naive, a coward.

When being confronted you push the blame to others, example, the messenger that protected someone. Thats all you do. Your heart is so weak that you see a need to defend it at all cost instead of facing the consequences. Such a coward..

Be someone people will be proud of. People look down and ask whats the point in being selfless. Honestly being selfless makes you happy. Doing charity or helping strangers on the road, it lifts your soul. It strengthens you as a person and negativity just bounces of you.

Love more, THINK more, help others more, and stop expecting physical returns when you help people.

Your mentality is shit,

Wednesday, 4 June 2014

420 : The girl who moan.

We had a party few days ago as a pre-exam/farewell party for a few of the dancers that were leaving back to their own countries after completing university.

Being sore from a review run of all the dances, what was initially a potluck party soon became an orgy of massages. Few of them were trying their hand in loosening the knots on Tira's shoulders as well as sampling their skills on each other to earn the title of "best masseur" among our dance club where he or she's glory will be spread across the dance club and respected by many of the senior dancers whose bodies are covered with sores and bruises after trial runs.

So those of us that decided to sit out of it sat by the side talking and finishing up the food. We didn't noticed much.. until we heard loud moans..

"DAMN... This is so good.. Even my boyfriend couldn't even hit that spot yesterday night".

Tira didn't realise what her moan of relief was coming across as, and with her eyes closed, she couldn't see the glaring eyes and the held back laughter by everyone. It was when she opened her eyes after asking it to be 'harder' did she realise what the situation was like..

No amount of explanation could save that innocent girl that night. With her blushing face buried into her knees, it was as if she lost her virginity to everyone in that room who heard what we assume is what she would sound like in bed.

So congrats Jun for making another girl moan like that.
Try me next time?


**Sorry haven't been replying comments everyone (and anon).. Will get to it now..

Saturday, 31 May 2014

419 : Red Ears.

A friend pointed out to me in the mids of dance rehearsals that a lot of guys she see have their ears glowing red and she was really curious on why is that.

I didn't even realise my ears was red till I touched it and felt the warmth.

Walking around I noticed that most guys DO have their ears red but not girls. Curiously, no one could really answer why their ears was blushing red, as they don't feel their ears were red either.
Maybe it was from dancing or the room was a little warm from all the body heat..

I know there would be an answer online but heck, i'm too tired to check right now, or rather just lazy? Anyways, the only theory i can come up with would be :

' The blood is in our ears BECAUSE its not down there.. If you see someone with pale ears, his probably having a boner at that moment. ' 

So guys, test my hypothesis tonight! Does your ears go pale when you wank?
You get to cum and I get a sample group. Haha

Anyone got theories on why your ears are red?

Bullshit level up,
Leonut <3

Wednesday, 21 May 2014

418 : Terrified of girls.

I don't know why but I have this thing which can be little embarrassing that may also make me sound very egoistic but ah well, time to see if anyone feels the same as me. This post is gonna be a lil shit. Just realise i can't find the proper words to write this out.

When I was in the process of resigning from my part time job, I was talking to my close girl colleague of mine. We were talking about how she was going to miss working with me and at the end of the conversation she ended it with "love you!". I read it and an overwhelming emotion just took over : Fear. 

SHIT! What if she likes me?? I'm gonna be a heartbreaker and then I'm gonna be an asshole.. I remember a few years back my neighbour's daughter had a crush on me (well thats what I think), she would spam like my Facebook photos from few years ago once in a while and it freaked me out. Naturally, I had to protect myself and let her know I wasn't interested, so ignored her for a year.. In my defence, she would never stay in sight when I'm around, just runs off somewhere.. 

Anyways, lately I've gotten closer to a few of my dance mate. One in particular gives a very flirty vibe which is scaring me a bit. She tells me like "of course you are cute" and "other guys besides XX and XX can't be compared to your looks" which I cannot tell if she is saying it in a friendly matter or flirty. She texts me once in a while for fun as well..  For one of our dance auditions we needed partners to audition together and she booked me way before hand. Unfortunately she came late and I was assigned a different partner. When i told her i didn't do that well, she offered to take a video audition with me after class..

Anyways, what i can say is. I'm terrified of girls showing affection towards me. Might be commitment issues or the fear of having to reject someone. Who knows.. Luckily for me, I don't have a lot of girls taking a liking towards me.. Mixed feelings about that.. lol?

Wtf did i just write,

Sunday, 11 May 2014

417 : This is what you have done to me.

I can put it another way and say this is what you have done to us.

You broke my trust.

I can honestly admit to you that even during our almost one year long distance, I have not felt insecure to this extend. I've always trusted you and the doubt that you were out with people you shouldn't be out with  never existed. Until now.

You deliberately lied to me countless times over the same issue and the worst part is that you lied to cover up that lie. Lie over a lie over a lie. Only when you are cornered with facts and proof thrown at your face did you admit to them. That broke my trust in you.

Yes. you can bring it up again and again, I did cheat on you the first month of our relationship. I cuddled with a friend and made out with him but that was a year ago, when our relationship foundation was weak being paved during a long distance.  But you? You choose to lie when our foundation was build as strong as ever, when we spent almost everyday together for 3 months. You say its the same but is it?..

You keep telling me you lied to me but you love me. Does loving me make it okay to lie? The word love sounds like an excuse to me. Its like : I can do shit but as long as I don't cheat, its okay, cause I love you. I don't know if i'm the only one that think this is utter bullshit.

So right now when you tell me you are with your family, I don't trust you, I don't believe you. You could be out on a date or something, I would never know. You took effort to lie to me before and ensured me you weren't lying when I found out you still kept stuff from me.

"I swear. I've told you everything"

Sounds familiar? Told me that right before I found out you still were lying. So when you tell me the same thing now, what am I to feel? You say my friends have no business in this. Yes I know thats true to an extend, they don't know you at all. But they know me. They know whats good for me and they see all the pained you caused me. Its embarrassing when people see red eyes and can figure out what happen..

Once bitten, twice shy, thrice? I'm dumb shit. But now its the fourth of fifth time. What am I?

I know I'm a spiteful person when you hurt or offend me. But you know why I don't take revenge? If I ever do something similar to what you did, the moment you lose your trust in me, we are gonna crumble. There is a reason why I don't call you my boyfriend or say I love you anymore. I don't know when you will gain my trust back, but until you do, I don't want the same shit to repeat itself. I'm putting a safety net on this.

There is no telling if the hurt and betrayal I feel will push me to do things as revenge.

There is another issue.
Don't expect me to say I love you back just cause you said it to me. You have to right to expect that for me after you did things behind my back like that. Don't overuse "I love you", the more you use it, the lesser it has in value. I say it when I feel like saying it.

So this is what you did to me. The relationship may still be prefect to you but its not to me anymore.. My part is crumbling and you don't see it..

Why did you even do such things?..

Yes, this is me showing all my weakness to the world...


Thursday, 8 May 2014

416 : A little something something.

There is no denying how much I have neglected writing in this little online journal of mine. Constantly having something to do, work, uni, dance etc, I can honestly say I'm mentally drained which leaves me with little to no provision to sit down and type out a story from my day. Heh.. Feels like I've become the boring monotonous person I've expected myself to become. Same routines everyday, see the same people literally everyday, cooking the same food everyday, where is the excitement?

I guess changing my laptop made me forget I had a blog most of the time. The little blogger icon is no longer bookmarked next to the usual Facebook or twitter icons anymore. Heck, it isn't even on my bookmark list anymore. Which reminds me I should really add it in now. 

So what have you guys been up to? Scrolling down the reading list only did I realise how much I have to catch up with in the blogger world. Seldom keep contact with Jboy and other bloggers as well which makes me actually feel foreign in this blogger world again. Only difference now is, do i have the time to slowly familiarise myself all over again?

I'm actually more open now. I really don't mind who knows about me and people don't mind about me either. Just looking back, I realise how wrong I am to be scared of coming out to people in fear of being judge. I even have straight guy friends asking me details of my relationship.. The world is more open and my mind should be more open as well. 

I've quit my job in the beginning of the year. Having no income coming in every week, I feel so vulnerable. Its just an odd feeling I can't describe. I have been so stingy with my money that I've actually refused to eat out with friends or chip in with presents for friends. All this lasted a while till a close friend of mine made me realise how much I was torturing myself. We were sitting under the stars during camp, being in the suburbs, the stars were nothing like the city's, each bright and significant in the sky. With the cold sea breeze, she handed me a can of Smirnoff she bought. I knew the price of one can: 40$ for 10 cans. She drank one and she gave everything else away (I had two.. :3). It was just so odd to me how she was so generous with money. What she told me just changed my mentality. She wasn't rich but she wasn't poor either, what her parents told her is the same as what my parents have always told me. Buy things to reward yourself once in a while. They earned the money and have constantly asked me to enjoy myself, when the time comes when I start working, I will pay them back for it. Seeing how she was happy with what ever she was doing made me realise how being so cheap is poison to myself.. 

Dance! If you have my Facebook you will see how dancing has been the only thing I've been doing. With no work to take up my time, dancing has overrun my life. Had performances last week and it was amazing. The amount of compliments I got just felt like hard work paid off. Even seniors messaged me and told me how proud they are of me. <3 

Dance, Dance, Dance, Dance?

The puppy issue?.. I don't know where we are now.. When we broke up the emptiness just consumed me to the point I couldn't even concentrate during dance. I dunno how but that stupid boy manage to wiggle himself back into my life even after being blocked from almost everything. The one thing I totally forgot to block, he messaged me from there.. Facepalm moment. Its rocky again.. I still don't trust him... I know there is a "but" in that sentence but I don't know what it is. Everyone that knows what happened scolded me for taking him back. All the "aiyoooo.. don't la.." and "Oii!! What is this?" I have been hearing from disapproving friends. Love them. So i guess I am taking a chance again. I hate to admit it but i honestly feel he will be the best thing that will EVER happen to me. Anyone out there to prove me wrong can always send me an email.. lol? 

So why am i writing these random stuff? 

Its my bloggie's birthday. Happy 3rd Birthday!

Grew so much with this blog. 

Till the next time,
Fucktastic loads of love,

Ps. Birthday Gift : Found the hidden link to my dance video in this post? 
Can finally put a face to the name leonut eh? lol..

Saturday, 26 April 2014

415 : Single

Today, I broke up with puppy..

1 Year, 1 month and 23 days, to be taken as a lesson..

Trust is crucial especially for an LDR.. Once broken, everything goes down hill from there..

Take care,

Friday, 14 February 2014

414 : A fairy tale love story.

Studying in UK, she meet him, a 30 year old under work transfer from Hong Kong. She was 19.

Waiting tables part time to earn some extra cash, his frequent visits to the restaurant sparked something either of them would never expected. They started seeing each other outside of their usual restaurant experiences, before long, they were dating.

Every story has to have a conflict right?

6 months into dating, work required him to return to Hong Kong. He pleaded with her to follow him back. The nurse in training however, couldn't. With her father's death, she knew she had to get a stable job to help her mum raise her 5 siblings still back home. As the oldest sibling in the family, it was the responsible thing to do. They separated and lost contact soon after.

They both got married. She married a man and settled down in London. He married and lived his life in Hongkong. Both had children.

They lived most of their life apart from each other. As she got older, her marriage fell apart. She was never happy and her husband found a woman a little older than her own daughter. A divorced was filed. She was 64. During the time of the divorce, her son found him. Found his contact number and his address. She decided to pay him a visit while the divorce was being process.

In Hong Kong, she found that he was a widower. He insisted she stayed in Hong Kong with him during her short visit. She went back to London, packed her bags, left everything behind and she was moving to Hong Kong with the man she was apart for 45 over years.

Right now, they have been married 5 years. She is almost 70 this year.

This belly dancing grandmother, is my aunt. My family went to Hong Kong recently and I finally got to meet my new uncle. You expect a man in his 80's to be weak but the man I saw running down the flight of stairs saying he was 18 was everything I NEVER expected. When my aunt passed him her handbag to hold when she went to the restroom, he proclaimed to everyone he looked so much better than her with the handbag and started posing with it. The way they constantly tease each other even over the phone makes you think they are just teenagers.

I can say I feel bless to have met my chocolate addicted uncle. He redefined love for me. Showing the power of love.

My aunt told me her fairy tale story when we sat together in a bus ride. She told me he told her something once that she will probably remember forever.

"The time we have together is not enough. I would want to marry you when you are 18 in your next life so we can spend our whole life together. Remember when you depart from this world, there will be a lady that will give you a cup of tea on the bridge. Do not drink the tea or you'll forget everything. Pretend to drink it. Remember me and I will find you. We'll get married in our next life. "

Those familiar with Chinese mythology would know what he means about the lady at the exit of hell.  

Just makes me smile thinking about how they spent most of their life apart after only spending 6 months together and they know they were meant for each other. With her story tale still being written everyday, I'll wish them all the happiness in the world.

So all those that cry over distance and separation. Just know that you might not meet him again anytime soon but just know that doesn't mean you wont be together in the end.

With that, I'll wish everyone Happy Valentines Day and Chap Goh Mei!

My friend suggested throwing oranges at couples. Anyone planning to join her?

Till next time,
Fuckloads of Love,

Btw.. He was a widower because his wife died of a heart attack when he asked for a divorce.. oops?..