Monday, 30 April 2012

205 : Love

When you break someone's heart often enough or hard enough,
they just fall apart.

They lose confidence in themselves,
Wondering is it them who is the problem one,
The one that caused a sweet moment to break apart,
The one that made their beloved lose every feeling and memory towards them just like that.
They start to wonder is it their personality, making them distance themselves from others.
They wonder is it their looks, looking into the mirror and just sighing.
Their body? Their way of expressing love?
Or just them as a whole that repulse their once beloved..

The doubt builds as they look back into their memories.
"I love the way you dance".
Simple compliment he gave that once made their day for example.
Was he lying when he said that?..
He must have been lying. He wanted to protect my feelings.
I suck at dancing.
The doubt grows and runs around their brains..
And soon they just stop..

They never fall in love as deeply as they did..
First relationships are the ones that they fall the deepest for.
When it happens a second time, a form of fear builds within them.
As the fear accumulates they loose the feeling of love towards anyone.
To them love is just "waiting to break up".
Soon they go out looking for people,
Anyone willing to hug them or kiss them...

"Love are like the night stars for some relationships, at one point, uncountable. Then morning comes and every glowing star just fades away.."

Sunday, 29 April 2012

204: Bersih 3.0

Anyone went for Bersih3.0?
If you did i hope you were safe during the whole event.
It was tragic hearing about the 3 deaths that occurred during the rally.

I went for the Melbourne's Bersih3.0 yesterday.
The rally was really peaceful and controlled.
With different speakers briefing about the unfair electoral procedures currently present,
It really got everyone's spirits high, signs and banners displayed and flags waving everywhere.

Wearing a bersih shirt and holding a Malaysian flag, i never felt more patriotic.
Though i know attending the rally would not make a big difference but i hope the 85 cities around the world together would create enough pressure on the Malaysian Government to make a change.
Logging to facebook and it was just filled with yellow! It was really nice seeing pictures of friends in different parts of the world also participating in event in their respective cities.

Hopefully next year we would not have a Bersih4.0?
I would really like to participate in the Bersih in Malaysia although i know chances of my parents getting a heart attack(touchwood) and calling every 5 min would most likely occur but heh. I would be a great experience.

Stay Safe everyone!

"Hidup Hidup! Hidup Bersih!"


Saturday, 28 April 2012

203 : Okay.

I am not okay. I say i am each time people ask is because i don't like it when people tell me what to do. The crucial moment when i hit my rock bottom, i had so many people come tell me how to feel and what i am suppose to do. I can't even get my thoughts clear and I have people just shoving thoughts on how i am suppose to be. When i tell people i am doing good they go "Sure anot?", "Don't lie". If i already told you i am okay it mean I don't want to talk about it. Don't insist your opinion and thoughts on me.
Dont get me wrong. There are alot of people that helped and i Am seriously grateful me but there are some people who just decided that they are supreme, sitting on their pedestal and making me feel worst.

People keep saying you will feel better as time goes by, time heals everything..
but mine is just getting worst..
The thoughts and maturity that held myself together for almost a month just seems like its breaking down, slowly shattering exposing me to everything i refused to face in the past. It sucks and its actually affecting my daily routine.. I got nudge by my friend few days ago while doing my assignment.. I just paused there for 10 minutes, sighing once in a while with a blank look on my face..

I really want to feel better but i just cant bring myself to find my path of happiness..
I feel like i am in a maze lost and desperately trying to find my way out..

I don't want to feel like this..
I don't like being depressed..

I want to feel Okay.
To smile again..            :

Friday, 27 April 2012

202 : Cravings..

Been having so much of cravings for sweet foods lately..
Yesterday itself i ate a cookie, a sugar glaze donut and and a nutella sandwich..
All within an hour after dinner...

I really did not realize i was eating so much until my sister pointed it out to me when i almost ate the chocolate chip muffin left over from yesterday's breakfast.

"Why are you eating so much of sugar? Something wrong with you isit?.."

Went searching for food cravings and their meanings..
Found my friend's picture he posted a while back..



Thursday, 26 April 2012

201 : Friend vs Results

"I dont care about Dan, he is going to Adelaide to chance after this STUPID girl. I am not going to let his stupid decisions ruin our chances of getting a good score.  I seriously have no idea what is going through his mind. I don't know how we are going to break it to him but we are going to do it tomorrow!"

So much for friendship.
Got a call from an assignment group mate last night. She, Dan and I was suppose to be in a group together seeing how we 3 were supposedly "close". You know the moment the tutor says 'in a group of 3 to 5' you will naturally think that you would group together with your closes friends in your class? Well, this bitch doesn't get that.
She was nice and all but seriously?
Kicking him out of the group just like that because you want good marks?
If he was going for like a month i would understand but its less then a week and the assignment is due in 2 weeks and the questions are damn easy!

The second the assignment was announced she became such a control freak its quite scary..
It would be a matter of time she kicks me out the group...


Leo Nut!

Wednesday, 25 April 2012

200 : Attraction First or Second?

The first basis of a relationship is attraction?
Agree or Disagree?

A friend of mine talked to me about her problems recently.
A friend of hers started showing signs of wanting to get together with her, they have been close friends for almost a year and she has never thought of him in a relationship way. He is a really nice guy, someone that even i know will take care of her but she has no physical attraction towards him. If he really pop the question to her, she really doesn't know what to do.

Would you say yes or no to him if you were her?
Knowing you have no attraction towards him and the risk of jeopardizing the close friend relationship is just right there if it doesn't work out.

A few people said that attraction is not everything but isn't it important to spark the relationship?
I really hope she can find the right choice..


Tuesday, 24 April 2012

199 : A pattern!

Well.. Almost a pattern.

Usual lazy afternoon where i just slack of the whole day.
It was raining outside, the foggy scenery and strums of lightning and thunder just serenades me to my bed for an afternoon nap along with raindrops on my window.

Threw my blanket open and wrapped it tightly around my body to protect me from the cold.
A grabbed and hug ducky, snugging my nose into him and taking in his familiar smell..
Then suddenly,
The imagine of KL popped into my mind.
I literally stopped and went "what the fark?..."

I realize or rather remembered i bought my ducky right after my broke up..

Then i looked to my side and saw my shark..
Oh god.. the timing is about right..


As much as i love them..
I guess they represent a hard time i have been through..
The toys better not pile up..

Anyways, i don't believe i have introduced shark to your guys.
His name was "Jie".. But its just shark now..

Bought him on a sales for 12.80AUD. So about Rm42?
Cute fluffy thing that is just so hugable!! Didn't get a bag when i bought him so i had to carry him around the "Gardens Mall" of Melbourne holding him by his tail, walking into shops like Coach with all the stares.. 

TADDAA!!! Super fluffy sharky!

Hugging him to sleep along with my duck every night
This better not become a habit of buying soft toys..


Monday, 23 April 2012

198 : Different.

Being typical Malaysian Asian, we are all kinda brought up the same way, study hard, get a good job, get a wife(LOL!), children and take care of the parents. We never really had the "fun" part of life planned for us. Our parents will never tell us to club and all.

Coming to Australia its really an eye opener for me. The main club, or the most "popular" club in my campus is the business society. The events that they use to promote their club were.. unexpected if you may. Fetish Party, Toga Party, Free flow of alcohol, Booze Cruise, Club hopping, and the list goes on. Business society??
Kinda self explanatory huh?
Sex it up, fetish party!
They had a tent set up in the middle of Uni the week before. I looked in and the things i saw.. leather straps and inflatable sex dolls.. So people interested would buy a ticket for the event and go in for the "sneak peak", plus a bonus of free beer at 1pm in the afternoon.. Seriously?

"Booze Cruise, on the Victoria Star
Friday April 27th, Boarding 7.30pm
$40 Members, $45 non members (Includes three free drinks) "

Their upcoming event!

I am sorry if i offended their culture and all but most Asians i guess aren't really keen on these type of events. My close Malaysians friends all went "Yerr.." and "Like that also got ah?" when the posters came up around the campus.

Anyways, guess its just the different way we were brought up..
I was brought up in a more conservative way where i was thought most of these were taboo,
while here its a norm to go drinking and clubbing.

A recent post of Malimo also opened my eyes to another culture in Indonesia.
A country so close to home yet it has such a big difference that i was always oblivious to.
Smoking in Indonesia.
Smoking as a child would be illegal in Malaysia but not there.
If you have an hour to spare, do go watch that documentary. It really kept me glue to the screen the whole time.

Love always,

Sunday, 22 April 2012

197 : YOLO

You Only Live Once
I am not getting any younger,
Yes i know, i am not even into my second decade of existence but still..
Getting older and mature is a daily part of life..

I am always trying to keep a good image,
I don't drink, I never went clubbing, I never smoke,
I was always the good child.

I sincerely don't see the reward at the end.
I once thought i would find someone that would really appreciate these traits but HECK NO!
I still got played, i still got heartbroken, twice.

I started social drinking.
Finally drinking when out with friends(in moderation),
and also started playing drinking games.
I have not yet got a chance to go clubbing though,
A kind blogger invited me out to a gay club weeks back but damn..
Iron grip of the sister.
Next time i was promised.

Finally, I got myself an ear piercing.
The left side.
Its still recovering.
I know that piercings are no big deal,
Especially in the gay community but for me it was a big leap.
Adding the fact i dint ask my parents or sister before.

You only live once.

Do the things you really want to do before you get too old for it.
Imagine the things waiting for you right now?


By the way, I am still hunting for a nice earring. Any kind soul would buy me one from Malaysia and send it over to me?. Haha, its bloody expensive here.. =P

Saturday, 21 April 2012

196 : Confrontation..

Its really weird how life works..
How things fall in place as if its planned by the little forces existing around us.

On my way home from university yesterday, a sudden cloud of sadness just hovered over my head. Memories of penguin just flowed into my mind and occupied every thought. The more i recalled the thicker the cloud grew and feelings within me stirred.. I really thought I okay, I haven't thought about penguin for almost a week before this. When i got home, "I Miss You" by Blink-182 played on my laptop and tears just started flowing... I missed the times we went out together, the times we held hands, the times we shared.. Peculiarly, the feelings just left as fast as it came.. Within a few minutes, i felt fine and normal. My day went on as usual.

As night came however.. something happened..

"Penguin has signed in on skype", the familiar yellow frame slowly crept up on the bottom right of my screen.. Damn i shouldn't have seen it.. My heart sank on the spot. I never blocked him from my skype because of his inactiveness. I pulled myself together and went to watch a movie with my brother.

Half way through when i got back, i noticed he sent me a skype message..
My heart was beating so fast and yet i replied him..
We talked like normal, as if nothing happened and soon the conversation died off.

I gathered every bit of courage i had and i confronted him..

"Were you with XXX when you and I went out together?"

He actually explained everything to me..
Everything he said would sound so cliche if i wrote more but stupid as it is, i believe him..
Something made me feel like he was telling the truth..
Maybe its my feelings for him?..
Deep down i still miss him alot...
After everything I finally found closure..
A heavy burden of questions and confusion finally left and my shoulders felt light..

I know I am no longer his muse..
I wish...


Friday, 20 April 2012

195 : Weird habbits?

Anyone here has a weird habit that they know of?
Most habits are involuntarily done, the individual isn't even aware that they do it.

One of the habits that i never really understood is nail biting.
I have a lot of friends that actually bite their nails, or even the skin around their nails.
I had a friend in primary school that had a nail biting disorder. You can seldom catch him not biting his nails. It was serious to the extent that his nails actually stopped growing, at least it seemed like it. Our homeroom teacher in primary school used to conduct nail checks once every two weeks and those victims whose nails exceeded the acceptable length were punished. He however, never once got punish. I still remember his nails were stumpy, short and square, he never had a free edge(the part where your nail doesn't connect to your skin), and his nails were always few millimeters shorter then the tips of his finger. The skin around it was always peeling too..
That's a reason i always smacked close friends that bite their nails. Always an "OI!!! *WHAMP!* Stop bitting, not good for you!"
Its unhygienic too..  Imagine where your finger has been..

Another habit would be the "lick and flip".
Why do people lick their finger tips before flipping the page?
And its always the same finger! Is the paper that clean??
There was a movie once, where these few people manage to discover a hidden treasure book. When the guy started flipping the book he fell dead on the floor because the book pages were poised and he licked his finger tips to flip the page.. Forgot the name of the movie though.
Anyways, i was sitting next to a girl before class started few days ago. We were revising for a law test and my god.. I couldn't concentrate at all! She was lick, flip, lick flip, lick flip. I just sat there staring at her. Imagine 2 chapters of cases to flip through and she just flip through the 100 pages like that, licking every single page she flips. Does paper taste that good?.. I know people says its because its easier to flip the pages and all but i dont see why you are a special case when most people don't need the aid of their saliva to flip pages. I'm sure her tongue will get numb or something.

Anyways, there are a lot of other habits out there..
Can someone follow me around for a few days and tell me what my habits are?
No one really pointed any out before so i am really unaware of my habits..
Maybe pulling my pants up?.. But its kinda mandatory for that action, so its not a habit? Can't have me flashing my assets in public right? People aren't that lucky to have a free show. Haha!

Lots of Love,

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

194 : Berlubang..

(Berlubang/ Lubang = Hole)

 Today, i got an extra lubang..

Everyone says berlubang at the right place, but i refuse to be right..
I wanted to be left.

Any advice on taking care of my extra lubang?


Tuesday, 17 April 2012

193 : BDSM? and other pictures

So during the holidays i went for a camp with a society I've join in Uni that i found close to my heart.
We went to a mountain nearby for a 2 days one night camp.
Was quite a relaxing trip, having made new friends and had my longkang bro with me too.
Had a few really interesting activities that i never thought i would be doing.
One of which was the Giant Swing.
Which is basically a triangle of 3 12m high poles where your friends manually pull a you up to the top of the point before you pull a trigger, letting you free fall in a swing motion..
Yes.. I am sure most of you are severely confuse right now..
Youtube it if you are really curious.

Another thing was the Tree Adventure.
First time i got do it and my muscles are still sore.
Climbing a series of obstacle courses few stories above the forest ground sounds easy but it got hard when you are over confident like me and decided to go for the hardest course on your first try, and complete it.
Proud to say I manage to be the only 3 guys that completed the course out of the whole group.
Anyways, you had to wear this harness to secure you to the course to make sure you are safe..
The girl who helped me tightened it so hard that i felt i was wearing some sex harness.
And it felt sexy.. haha!!
Like some leather harness fetish.. <3
So anyways.. here are some pictures i toke during the camp. 


Its really funny how you can find the most beautiful of wild flora in the forest,
and no one notices them..

Stupid longkang found a small river and decided to go in to "chill". We nearly froze our feet off together.. But we had fun trying to get out the river as soon as possible when we lost feeling of our feet..
It was a really nice river though.. The air around the place was really fresh and cooling.

Guess who stupidly decided to go hiking in flipflops? Never again..
Had a nice campfire where we told ghost stories.
To beat the cold during the night... <3
Really had fun during the trip. Got to share room with 2 really cute guys too! Straight, as usual..

Back to the city, back to exams. Have 2 mid term papers tomorrow, back to back.
Stress?? I am suppose to be..

Wish me luck!
Leo nut.


Sunday, 15 April 2012

192 : Rumors.

Please la my dear..
Don't go spreading rumors saying i cheated with your guy.
If you were any good at all he wouldn't have came looking for me huh?

In my defense, I didn't know until everything was over.
If i knew he had you by the side i wouldn't have dated him, I respect relationships.

Fortunately, being the gossip queen you are, no one believed you.
The few close friends that you conveniently decided to tell regarded it as lies and came telling me about you spreading rumors.

1. I will never ever do anything on purpose to hurt others.
2. We just dated, and you too were only dating him. Don't take things too seriously.
3. Don't hold on to the past, life goes on.

I am really surprise how fast i got over everything..
Just takes one person to really change your prospective over things.
Most times i guess i just take things too seriously and are too childish with my thoughts.

Thanks for talking to me last week Kayson! =D


Been out to a camp during the week.. Whole body sore.. Will update you guys on the trip as soon as i can lift my arms above my head..

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

191 : A letter for the present and future.

Dear future partner,

I might not have met you yet and i am still excited to the day i actually meet you. Falling in and out of relationships, i am constantly learning. Learning to deal with emotions, to deal with others, troubles, problems and generally becoming a better person. Hopefully till the day i meet you, i will learn enough to hold a sense of maturity yet still have my personality.

I am not the best looking or the hottest person. People don't turn heads when i walk by and I am seldom the top of people's minds. I am just an average person. To make up for my looks i am really trying to work out often . My body isn't where i want it to be, improvements can be made. But i really don't want to be the best looking or the cutest in the room, i want you to fall for my personality, internal factors. Body and looks don't last forever, people get old, but personalities last with time, only changing and twisting to adapt to the present.

I am childish and i love to be. Although not always, i would love for you to be there for me to protect me while i just fall back to myself. The world is such a harsh place as i have recently learned, people can be really hypocritical and back stabbing is common practice to achieve their personal goals. People are selfish. Being pure and innocent just doesn't get you anywhere, a harsh exterior is compulsory. I really hope when i am with you, i can lower all defenses and just be myself, childish and playful.

Dancing is partially who i am. I am not the best dancer but i really enjoy it. I love how the body can synchronize with the beats and lyrics of music and move accordingly, creating a new world, a story that can be seen instead of heard. I feel confident when dancing. My chest naturally pushes out, chin held high, and pulses of energy just surges through my limbs. I hope when i find you, you will share the same world as i do, we can teach each other dance styles and techniques. Maybe we can dance together.

I am studying accountancy. It may sound artificial but i hope you will be in a similar field as me if not same. I want to be able to come home from work to you and share work stories with you. If you were a doctor, i guess communication would be hard, the humor we share will be different..

There are so many things i would love to share with you. No matter what happens, when the world are against us, we will face the demons together. Side by side, hand in hand. As long as you are always there for me, and never play with my heart or abandon me. I will never ever leave you. I will always stay by your side and support you completely and selflessly.

I know this whole post sounds so cheesy but this is my letter to you.. I will be waiting patiently while improving myself.. Hope i can met you in the near future.

If possible maybe in Disney Land?.. :3

Lots of love,

Monday, 9 April 2012

190 : Guess who??

Guess who got played twice in a roll??
A little bitch called Leonut did!!
Yes!! He did!!

The guy that he gave his heart to was dating some other guy when he was with leonut!
Just awesome right??


Why not everyone just take turns playing with leonut's heart? I'm sure he will just love that!! C'mon send an email!! Make him fall in love with you then just break his fucking heart at the peak!!! Feels like a trend now anyways! Go ahead!!

Will be waiting for the next one!


Saturday, 7 April 2012

189 : A friend.

I am not sure how to start this post..
Joining the pieces of thought that formed in my mind is harder then i though..

Yes, i felt hurt, i felt betrayed but clearly i have been selfish.
You have been trapped for more then a year and i do agree its about time you have found happiness.. I would be the most selfish person in the world if i stopped you from getting your happiness after i known all you have been through. I have always wished the day you finally let go for M would come soon, seeing you so hurt everyday just hurts me too bur i guess i was just not prepared on what happened.

I do still have a piece of heart for him.. The time i've spent with him were wonderful and it was something that really made my days to recall when i felt lonely here. It was just stupid of me to oblivious to the fact that nothing last forever, no matter how sweet and how much you would give up for it. I was blinded by the thought of coming home to him, to see that he was still mine. I was just too absorbed into my fantasies.. But life goes on..

To call you the worst friend ever? Yes i did. Words i used that day were foul and dishonorable. But to stop you from being happy i would be the worst friend too wouldnt i?. I know i have blocked you from almost everything but please bare with me for a while okay?.. I really need time to recover..

I need to learn to be single.. My life has been an emotional rollercoster since i met KL. Been in and out relationships without properly recovering. Here i am i found myself directing my attention to a guy i met on last Tuesday when i broke down.. Its just so damn stupid of me..

To both the guys that i love, i wish you both all the happiness.

"Be happy of the memories you had with him. Not everyone can have that memory. Be grateful"
-Yi Wei.

Lot of love,

Friday, 6 April 2012

188: Extreamly Random post.

Once upon a time, there was a knight.
The knight had the ugliest daughter anyone had lay their eyes upon.
One day, the knight decided to trade his daughter away.
He then traded his daughter to a carpenter for the nicest rosewood dinning set.

Years later, the dinning set wore out and finally broke.
The knight angrily went back to the carpenter and complain about the broken set.
The carpenter apologize humbly and said :
"I am sorry for my poor workmanship, I will return you your daughter"

The displease knight took a look at his grotesque daughter and then replied :
and that day onwards, 
the knight ate his dinner on the floor..

The End.

-Recalled from Dark Meadow.

My sister says hi by the way.. She saw me blogging and insisted i send my regards to you guys..

Thursday, 5 April 2012

187 : Sexiness - Sleepiness

Anyone else thinks that a sleepy voice is damn sexy??
Recently someone has been skyping me after midnight for a few days now and he always have this sleepy voice due to the habit of sleeping early.
Sleepy voices are so cute!! Full of these involuntarily moaning as he hugs his soft toy.
Want him to be any cuter?
He skypes me while lying on his bed!
Skype calls always end by me asking him to go to bed though, due to the constant yawning, can see that poor boy is so tired yet he still wants to skype me till almost 3.30am while im doing my assignment.
Anyways, finished my assignment yesterday..

So skype calls can be prolonged??

Anyone else has an opinion on a guy's sleepy voice and skyping you while lying on his pillow??

Lots of Love,

"If tomorrow no class ma talk till morning?" lol.

Toke this strong vitamin pill to keep me awake so i can finish my assignment for a few days in a row which i have never done before.. Now my body feels damn heaty.. I think its contributed by the fact i am lacking of sleep.. Going to get sick soon.. And yes. I drink damn lot of water.. =P

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

186 : Nicki!!

Anyone heard Nicki Minaj's New Album, Pink Friday : Roman Reloaded?
The songs are just down right weird and unique, but somehow addictive..
Despite a few songs with a lot of foul language, there are a few songs that makes you want to start dancing!

Refreshing songs!
Fell a sleep in the bath today while listening to the songs!  ><

3 songs i love the most from the album!
What do you guys think?


Monday, 2 April 2012

185 : Rants

Time for my monthly rants,
Like PMS'ing but mine is Perlu Marah Sesuatu.
So basically I was just wondering how are P's suppose to find a partner that is "safer"?

First thing first, Grindr is obviously a big no no. Everyone says people there are, of course, after physical attributes rather then care about your emotions. So finding a life time partner there would be.. Irrational?

Online. Most people met their partner's online right? Even mine, I met my first and Penguin online initially. But people you met online are always not what they seem, pass histories can be twisted, facts concealed, pictures edited. Friends will feed information into you about their past and you refuse to listen but its always there haunting you. Doubts build, urges to confront begin and everything goes haywire. Okay, it might be just me being paranoid most of the time but i got hurt really badly from not listening to warnings last time.. Once bitten twice shy.

My gaydar is broken, i think it was made broken and loves to malfunction, pointing to every single straight guy it sees that soothes the eyes. Unless that guy is the general stereotypical type, I'm oblivious to their sexuality. 

So.. I feel quite forever alone.. lol..
How did you met your special person?..


Sunday, 1 April 2012

184 : New crush (II)

So basically, relating to my last post,
That guy is hot, cute and mindblowingly sexy. But nah..


Cute little link it is huh?..

Anyone got into some major pranks today? Or pranked anyone?.
Just a normal day for me i guess. Dint do any jokes besides this one on the blog.

Jokes aside, maybe one of you who clicked the link might really be the one I am referring to?.
You and i will never know.

Lots of love,

Happy April Fools! =P

183 : New Crush.. Help?..

Okays.. I feel so slutty..
So i was browsing through facebook a few days ago and i found this guy through my friend's profile...

Just a normal profile but..
I'm not sure why i feel like he is really special..
Someone i can spend my life with..
What am i suppose to do?..

Should i go talk to him?..
What if i sound like some desperate guy..
What should i say..


Anyone can help me..
His profile is here btw..
Anyone knows him personally?

Wish I can tell him how i feel about him..