Saturday, 30 June 2012

250: Someone

There is always someone in life,
Who doesn't care about you..

They never reply your messages,
Don't reply your "hi"s.
And even if they do, it would be hours later.

You tell yourself everyday that its pointless to care,
That you are wasting your time and effort,
That you are only poking a sleeping tiger.

You refrain yourself from contacting them..
But at a moment of weakness, you still do.

Yesterday I saw pictures of his injury.
He apparently fell from a high place and was badly wounded..
I told myself that i wouldn't care or bother anymore,
But seeing those pictures just made my heart sank..
I sent him a message wishing him a speedy recovery,
As usual, no reply..

Reading back what i have just typed..
I feel so stupid..
I miss you..

Friday, 29 June 2012

249 : 2012 ½

Its only little over half a year and I'm already dreading this year to the max.

This first fuck that happen to me in this year would be B. Being able to spend the first day of the year with him, I thought it was a sign of a good year ahead, that the whole year would be just as happy as i was on that day. It was just a belief that i had.. I was wrong.. Everything fell apart and i was broken.

Its been already half a year but uni still feels as foreign to be as Egypt. There is nothing to look forward to and I only have 2 close friends which are from the same college as I was. I know everyone would say i should go out and make friends, that i shouldn't be so 'keep-to-myself' type and just talk to people. Hell! If you know me personally, you would know I can just talk to anyone and make friends. Some how for people here.. You just get a vibe from them that they are really.. uninterested?
Basically its the whites look down on you because you are asian and they think they are better then you, The people from China people look down on everyone just because they are from China, the Indonesians are like glue to each other and it is almost impossible to find glue as strong as theirs, and the Singaporeans look down on Malaysians due to obvious reasons.. (Sorry if i offended anyone but that how my friend and I see it..).

White > China > Indonesians + Singaporeans > Malaysian

I do have Malaysian friends but since everyone is having different course, you seldom see each other in Uni.

Due to the emotional problems in the beginning of the year, i didn't manage to join a dance club since they only take members in the beginning of the semester. I am so deprived of dancing, it just leaves me like a zombie most of the time. Dancing in your room is not the same as dancing in a studio with proper choreography. I really need to start dancing again..

I realize how I'm drifting away from my Malaysian friends. Its like what happened to be during college. Everyone in my high school went to HELP while only a handful of us went to Taylor's and other colleges. Since everyone is together in HELP with their own cliques, you aren't really notice when you are gone and slowly forgotten, which is exactly what is happening now. Everyone is busy with their own exams, performances and activities, its hard to talk to them. When I do manage to talk to them, they are talking to other people and i only get replies few mins a time.

Most people wont be in Malaysia when i get back too. Most of them are heading to UK for studies. I have 3 dance partners. Currently, one is in New Zealand, one is on the her way to Germany and another UK. Awesome... There is also this guy which i was close to that is going overseas which i miss dearly..
I literally blocked someone off from ever contacting me in anyway possible yesterday.. Initially we were really close then i realize i was using him as a rebound, so naturally i told him about it and true enough, my feelings for him faded. We were still friends at first but i could feel he was still hopping for something to happen from the way he talked to me. No matter how i tried to tell him nothing would happen he was still hopeful and trying. I don't want him to waste time on me and move on with his life and i didn't see any way to force him to it since he never listened.. so i blocked him.. He was crying so badly yesterday and my heart just sank..
If you are reading this.. I'm really really sorry..
I'm an asshole.

I changed so much in this half year and i don't like what i'm changing to..
I don't like you 2012..  Hopefully the next half a year would be good to me.

The end of the world better not be 2012!! If the world were to end, at least be a good year!! Not some depressing year!! 2013. Half a year more!


Wednesday, 27 June 2012

248 : To Savante

I wanted to write an e-mail to him but I couldn't get his email address.

The last i posted about movies, he commented and said he watched "The Best of Exotic Marigold Hotel". Initially I thought it was porn involving a brothel, with the name having exotic hotel and all. Dirty minded me, but i got hold of the movie and watched it after a late lunch today.

It was everything I never expected a movie to have, maybe due to the chain of senseless movies i have watched over the days. This one had a really nice subtle story line, combining love, money, and life.

Based in India, its about 7 elderly folks that are staying in a run down hotel called "The Best of Exotic Marigold Hotel for the Elderly and Beautiful". During their stay, they discover a new culture, the direction their life takes them, uncover lost loves and also found new ones.

Basically it is those type of movies that makes you rethink your life and what you are doing with it.. Like now I'm sitting in front of my computer everyday and I'm just wondering what am i doing with my life, wasting time away.

I won't tell much about the movie but I would seriously recommend watching it if you haven't.
And if you have watch it.. Don't scold me for being slow.. I haven't been catching up on movies since I got to Melbourne.

"It is also true that a person that risk nothing, does nothing, has nothing."

"Because as someone once said, everything would be alright in the end, and if its not alright, then trust me, its not yet the end."

Thanks Savante!

Monday, 25 June 2012

247 : Life oh life..

Life has been moving so slowly for me lately..

Been watching movie after movie, series after series all day.
Anyone has watched Legend of Korra by the way? Little fan boy me, every Sunday, the second I wake up i would immediately turn on my lappy and find a download link to the latest episode. Last weekend, IT FINALLY ENDED!! The finale was just awesome and met every of my expectation of a being the long waiting sequel to Legend of Ang, the last airbender! I literally watched every episode 4 times..

Went for Body Attack class with Kayson too.. Hell! I nearly died. When i was starting to feel dead tired i looked at him and he told me "This is only the warm up", which made my face go " O.o "..  Had loads of fun though.  Will go again if my legs don't ache tomorrow.

Anyone has any movies they can recommend for me to watch? Doesn't have to be new, it can be an old favourite of yours.

Half a month down, one more month to go!


Sunday, 24 June 2012

246 : Words

If you pay attention to people's speech patterns, and break down their words, you can actually can read what they are thinking at the moment.


L : I thought I actually mean something to you
B : You did...
L : Exactly.. past tense.. I don't anymore..

C : You broke something again??
L : What do you mean 'again'? I didn't break anything before!
C : But.. i thought...

S : Haha, heart breaker!! Go around breaking people's hearts. Come la, break
     mine! hahaha
L : WTF??
S : My turn what.. lol =P

For the first 2 i guess its just how people don't really think about their choice of words during the heat of the moment. First one kinda hurt when that person told me that.. lol, i did?..
3rd one was a supposedly a joke but the fact that the thought actually passed his mind to be made a joke.. Still hurt.

Choose your words carefully!

Friday, 22 June 2012

245 : Distance

Distance is only separation.
To your beloved, your love ones, your passion and desires..
Without these factors there would not be such thing as distance,
Only locations..

To see people say that they would fight for what they believe in,
For the people that they love and they are worth every strength and effort,
It reminded me of the promises i made to myself in the beginning the year.

No matter how you try to keep your promise,
If the other party breaks it,
It turns void..
And that's what usually happens.

Watched this video and i found it really really sweet.
An emotional trigger. =P

I dont want you back.. but i miss the times we spent together..


Thursday, 21 June 2012

244 : Love Flow Chart

Yups.. This probably sums up my love life perfectly...
Currently in the lonely stage again..
I'm only human, can you blame me?

I am that bored to be drawing flow charts...

Cookies and Cream,

Wednesday, 20 June 2012

243 : Money

Was talking to a friend and the topic of money came up..

He mentioned that he "met up" a Singaporean that was filthy rich. The Singaporean had a bungalow in Sydney but my friend only had a house, all my friend's versace shirts were considered casual wear, how all his branded goods were so easily overshadowed by the Singaporean. Buying branded goods with a snap of a finger, bracelets over few thousand, top line branded clothes from head to toe, yet he still complained about how the Singaporean was richer then him..

I was just speechless..

Besides the exception of jeans and a dress shirt, I don't own a single pair of clothing more than rm200. Most of my clothes which i wear often are from reject shop. I'm not fishing for sympathy or labeling myself as 'poor' but isn't spending few thousand at one go on clothing at the age of 19 a little too much?..

Maybe it's just the way I was brought up by my mum. The money given to me by my parents are not exactly mine but 'borrowed' from them, in the future i would pay them back when they are too weak to work. That's just the way i think.. During this winter break too, as much as i love to fly home like everyone else, i really don't want to incur additional cost onto my parents. Been finding a job too to lessen the financial burden.

Not saying that it's wrong to be spending your money at will but i just don't feel right spending my parent's money like that, what rights do i have to be spending money for myself when my parents are trying to save as much money as possible?

So far i set a goal for myself. By the age of 25(Yes, again 25. Most goals are set there cause it seems most achievable..), i want to earn enough money and buy suits and blazers at will so i can wear formal everyday! Provided my job can pay for it of course.. Formal wear fetish gone too far?

Maybe my opinions on spending money so freely would change if i had the money. People are all different i guess, some influenced by their higher society, some by the fashion industry, but so far i am happy seeing the digits in my bank account. :D

Happy saving!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012

242 : Attention

Everyone is yearning for attention,
Each person does it, its only human of us to do so.
This ultimately result in the birth of the "attention whore",
But what really is of that vain picture in the bathroom mirror is a way of expression for attention.

Everyone does it in a different way,
Through the internet like youtube or twitter,
Through eye catching clothing like branded clothing,
Or even the way of speech, flirting maybe?

When it comes down to it, everyone wants to be famous and hold influencing power,
To see our name's plastered over walls (Hopefully for a good reason), in magazine and or in videos.
The proud moment when you see your name in the newspaper is just exhilarating.

Just a note to someone, when you manage to get on your pedestal,
Just make sure your head does not inflate from the high altitude?
Don't insult people calling them ugly and you are happy they wont have ugly kids,
You are gay and I'm positive the chances of them getting kids is higher then yours.


Anyways.. I rejected someone's attention yesterday and I think its just conflict of my nature..
Part of me just really wants to be alone for the time being while another part wants someone to talk to..
Just so confused internally and i don't even know where to start breaking down the problem..
I need therapy..

  "Leonut is confused! It hurts itself in its confusion!"
"Leonut fainted!"
Pokemon anyone?


Friday, 15 June 2012

241 : Another.

Peeling the scab of an unhealed wound,
Fresh gushing blood prolongs the healing,
Leaving black blood,
Visible to everyone against the pale skin,
Eventually scarring you for life.

The thing is I can't tell the difference between a rebound and love. Asking anyone and they will tell you that you are just having a rebound, and everything you have feeling now is just a result of misdirected affection. Is it true?.

The state of confusion I am in now, I really don't know what is going on most of the time. Just like that I hurt another with my stupid emotions. The ghost of my past still lingering around me, hovering over my shoulders, the feeling of guilt and treating someone so unfairly..
I just had to stop it before it goes out of hand..

I think I'll just stay single till 25..


Wednesday, 13 June 2012

240 : Mine or Hers?

You gave your heart to her..
And now, without her knowing, you are giving apart of it to me..

Charming person you are, i never noticed them till now..
Months of friendship with a hidden secret,
exposed now to show your deepest feelings.

The abundant similarities we share,
interest in common and personality just shocks me..
Something tells me we would have alot of fun together..

But it all comes down to the question..
Is your heart mine to take if it belongs to a girl?..

Tuesday, 12 June 2012

239 : Dead give away

 What gives you away?
During Wonfu Production in Lakeside few months ago, i met a few new people while sitting in line, waiting to go in to the hall. B and his habit of saying hi to random people, he just said hi to the people behind us and we became friends, one of which was a guy which i had alot of mutual friends with. After wongfu, we were just normal friends, occasionally replying each other's tweets.

Suddenly today, he gave me his number and we started whatsapping.. He was being abit flirtatious but i just dismissed it as a really opened guy. I have a few straight friends that flirt with me for fun. Anyways, the point when he said he wanted to rub my butt.. I was like "what?...". So i asked  really indirectly and got a conformation that he is bi..

The curious thing is that he knew i was gay.. He said i gave him a vibe and the way i replied his tweet was very "Gay-friendly" as i don't show disgust or discomfort when he says something flirtatious. I always thought it was a bromance thing..

I can't tell the difference with a bromance and a guy that i thought was straight flirting.. lol..

Anyways, the only thing that i remember giving me away was once when i was in form 4, i would act really differently when people are talking about this guy. A friend picked up on it and confronted me.. Besides that i guess would be this case where i was to comfortable with bromance.. The other time was the hotel room incident where the guy just took a chance saying he was only 60% sure..
Maybe lots of people suspect too?..

So im wondering, is there something about you that gives you away? I'm just curious..
And those that take chances.. I salute you..


Monday, 11 June 2012

238 : Power!

*Original context removed*

Please don't assume what i say and build statements on it, I am partially at fault for not specifying the context of what i was trying convey, that point i would admit. 

Yes, sexuality is not sway-able at the core in the sense of a straight person is straight and a gay person is gay. However, what about the bisexuals?. I do believe there is a sense of bi-curious in people and many of which people are not clear of what they want till a certain age, mostly after marriage. Influenced by the media that a woman is the only partner a man is to choose and likewise with a woman choosing a man as her partner in life, people make choices by peer pressure.

Take the husband of the reality TV star Fran Drescher for an example, Peter Marc Jacobson. Happily married for years, good sexual life and still he came out as gay. A person who says "I am straight" may no necessary mean that person is straight, it might be mere clouded understanding of their preference.

The "change", i refer to is by towards the bi-curious population, not the absolute example population. I have heard stories of guys who are "straight" with gay men, not as a medium to release sexual tension but a deep sense of care and love towards the man despite having a wife or a girfriend. Would you count that as a myth or legend just because its "impossible to change sexuality"?.  I will not go on explaining the theory that i had previously mention as it is after all, not mine to talk about.

The world is a huge place. Close to a 7B population. The world keeps spinning everyday, who is to say what is impossible?

Anways, the LGBT community always have my full support, now and always.

Leonut! =)

P.s I never once said i go around telling people to orient the way i want. 

P.s.s. I am truly sorry if i offended anyone with the post. If you have read my blog long enough, you would understand when my posts are a joke and when they are serious. I shall select my words more carefully in the future.
P.s.s.s. Did you know Sir. Elton John's partner is gay?? LOLOL Just kidding!!~ =P

Sunday, 10 June 2012

237 : The moment.

There comes a moment in life..
When everything seems to be falling apart,
Breaking, and shattering into fragments,
Family, friends, studies, life..
All too quickly to be fixed..
The rush to join the pieces together begin,
secretly praying that you will have a memory of what the picture looks like,
hoping you can restore it to its original form..

But futile efforts made,
you know its impossible.
Bits and pieces stolen away by people or too small to be noticed.
What remains, or rather, what you manage to structure with the remains,
looks deform and unfamiliar..
You begin to take up that form..
Changing to an almost completely different person without notice..

During the day you just wonder and question yourself in confusion..

"What have i changed into?"
"What made me become like this?"..

Here i am looking at the constantly shifting moon through my window.
It's beauty halfed from what it was merely days ago when Venus appeared..
So quickly it changed but a fact knowing it will regain its beauty and turn full again exist.
The moon, a beacon at night.
Storing the millions love letters lovers wished upon the moon, hoping their beloved claims it..

I need to stand up again..
The loneliness and emptiness here is eating me alive..
Uncontrollable tears just flow as i recall past memories that once made me smile.

How do i stand up again?..


Saturday, 9 June 2012

236 : Dream Disclosure.

I sat at the five-foot way overlooking the roads.
I don't know where i was or why i was there but it felt right sitting there..
A sense of comfort and warmth unknowing why.
There wasn't anyone around me though..
I was alone..

Suddenly a car pulled up few feet in front of me.
A family of 3 appeared from the right and was heading towards the car.
And i could recognize the boy with them..

It was Lex.. Wearing the neon blue shirt he wore on his profile picture.
Looking dashing as usual..
He noticed me siting there and waved to me.
His family was brought to awareness from the wave and made their way towards me.

"What you doing sitting there?", they asked me.

"Just sitting here.. Just done shopping?", i replied them.

"Yea, going home now. See you soon!", Lex said with a smile.

The whole family made their way towards the car. As his parents were getting in the car. He ran back towards me. I stood up in confusion.

He stopped right in front of me , wearing the usual smile i grew familiar with. He dint say anything. He tap his cheek twice and instantly i knew what he wanted.. A kissed him on the cheek and he hugged me..

The next thing i knew, i was covered with sweat.. I looked around.. I was in my room.. Less then 10'C and i'm sweating.. I took my phone.. 1.32am..

Just a dream.. I grabbed my shark, curl into the fetus position and went back to sleep..

Rest of the night was filled with nightmares.. Dreamed i was chased, hunted and stabbed by mutilated figures.. Each time waking up in sweat again..

Dreams.. Do they mean anything?..


Friday, 8 June 2012

235 : Cutest Gesture

Exams over!!!
Okay.. I apologize for those people that actually know me in real life to be reading this..
Just remembered something that I've experienced before..


He pulled me closer towards him..
My back leaning against his chest, his hands curled around me.
He reach forward and kissed me.
Pulses of pleasure and satisfaction surged through me as his hands wrap tighter around me.
Exchange of saliva and soon, we were both shirtless before continuing.

He made an advancement down and slowly unbuttoned my jeans.
Pulling my jeans off with the most mischievous smile, i couldn't help but to just smile back, unaware of what i was going to expect next..

He got up, folded my shirt and jeans properly, placed them neatly on a chair and then only coming back to me...

I was literally stun..
What a cute thing to do!!

A gentleman on bed too? Haha.
After everything he did another thing which just made me giggle and laugh.

Folding the clothes and putting them aside, honestly the cutest non-sexual gesture i have seen ever...

Lol, anyone else has any cute gestures that you seen or did before?


Monday, 4 June 2012

234 : Exam Fucks!

I'm suppose to stop blogging a while but something happened today that just annoyed the hell out of me.

First paper, i was.. fairly ready?
Was calm in the exam hall. The number of seats was really breathtaking!
I was allocated a seat under an air vent blowing hot hair. I got used to the sound but i couldn't hear the last announcement out of the multiple housekeeping rules due to it. An invigilator came over and handed me the question booklet. Exam started and i started answering the questions.

Throughout the whole exam the girl beside me was sleeping!!! I don't know why but i just got distracted by her. She honestly never even lifted her pen! Not a single word written. I think it was the way i was comfortable sitting that i can see her movements at the corner of my eye. I seriously cannot stand people sleeping through an exam. Parents paid so much money for course fees and you just sleep it away even through the exams?? Pft!

Then it happened.
2 hours into the exam, 5 questions down and 3 more to go, i decided to take a 10 seconds break. I put down my pen and look around. Then i started to notice something.. Everyone had alot of papers on their tables.. It was weird.. I looked around and realize something.. HOLY FUCK!! I'm one paper short!!! And i dont even know what paper is that! Question paper?? Instruction sheet?? I quickly raise my hand and the same invigilator that gave me the question booklet came over. She seemed nice, an old women in her late 50's wearing pink.. HELL I WAS WRONG!! A fucking Dolores Umbridge in her bitchy flesh!!

I felt like slapping her!!

Excuse me madam, I really sorry but i was looking around and realize everyone has another sheet of paper with a logo on top. I didn't get that sheet of paper.
You didn't get it?

No I did not.

That can't be! I put one in every booklet.

No, I honestly did not get it.

Are you sure?

Yes i am!

Well, did you not listen to announcements?

I'm really sorry but i couldn't hear it clearly just now and the exams started.

You should have raised your hand earlier, the exams are more then half way over! I shall go talk to the senior advisers and let you know. Maybe they will come over to talk to you later.

Okay, is it important by the way?

Of course it is!

The whole time i was talking to her she was just smiling. She kept insisting she gave me the paper. What? I hid the paper and asked for another one??? Dumb bitch!! And then she walked away like nothing happened and came back 10 mins later with the paper.

Here is the paper. You have less then one hour left to complete the whole exam and this too. Good luck!~

And again!! With the stupid happy tone and smile!! WHAT THE FUCK?? I literally started panicking! My whole body started to shiver and my mind just went blank. 1 more hour for 3 questions and what ever shit was on that paper and all because she "gave" me the paper!! My time allocation gone and i just started scribbling every crap i could for the last 3 questions.


I ended finishing the paper 10 mins before the end time and i opened the paper. "Replacement for question 2". WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!

I just shut the paper and nearly cried..
I just read the paper but my mind was blank.. and i didn't change a single thing on my answer..

Sat there till time was over and handed up my paper.
When i was packing to leave, dolores walked by and gave me a smirk..



Saturday, 2 June 2012

233 : M.I.A

Gonna be missing in action till end of next week due to exams..
Haven't been studying well though..
Getting distracted for some reason...

For one thing is that someone has been appearing in my dreams a lot lately and its knocking me out of my focus from the second i wake up till the moment i sleep  and not in a good way.. I was thinking about him, thinking bout me, thinking bout us, what we gonna be, open my eyes, it was only just a dreeaaammm!~~~

Lol! anyways, hopefully the studying mood will kick in..
Can't afford to fail anything and yet i foresee just shit ass results..

I was lucky i manage to get a good enough result for college to get to Australia with all the worst type of distraction and all.. Pray i would be able to pull another miracle..

Wish me luck..

Will still be tweeting though. :)