Monday, 27 May 2013

380 : I fucked up!!

Yes i know I fucked up.

If i told you I cuddled and kissed someone else less than a month into our relationship would you even have stayed? That's the exact reason why I lied and told you we only cuddled.

But the truth is out. I really thought all the things I did during your whole trip here would be enough to show you how much i love you. Foolish and stupid of me to think I could make up for everything I did.
Was caught off guard yesterday when you were so insecure.. After countless times of telling you I love you and not to feel insecure, I really don't know how to feel when you threaten me saying if i did anything at my STRAIGHT friends birthday party, we are over immediately. A little insulted?.. Insulted that you don't trust me at all even after everything, that you would use that card against me.. Thank god i was drunk when I was talking to you about it yesterday. I cannot imagine what I would do if I was sober when we had that conversation. And yes, I was thinking perfectly straight.

Yups, I'm the asshole. I'm sure everyone agrees. You can go tell Pau or whatever his name, tell everyone and they will all hate me exactly how they did before. Exactly what i deserve. You said yourself you have a lot of guys after you before, so i'm easily replaced i guess.

Since you always say you won't be here when i get back if i did anything, you don't have to be I guess. You are already prepared and ready to leave anytime soon, so might as well..



  1. that's....quite unexpected. never imagine it gonna turn out this way after seeing u two kinda into each other.
    if this is what's best for u, then so be it *hugs* hope u will pull through this

  2. Be strong! *hugs*

    You deserve better :).

  3. WOW! I totally did not expect this. From your previous posts I had always thought that the two of you were doing rather well together.

    I understand how you might be upset about his (over)reaction... but in all fairness to him you DID sort of "cheat" on him a month into your relationship and you know what they say about strong foundations... you lying to "protect" his insecure ego, and to ensure that he would stay does not actually change that fact. If anything it makes it even more insidious because that one confession has pretty much destabilized any sense of rapport and trust you might have built up with him over the months you were together. It doesn't matter what you have done for him since then as that one moment is traumatic enough to potentially destroy everything the two of you have built together, not to mention cast doubt upon your motivation and actions from the moment of realization henceforth.

    Rule number 1: Never lie to the guy you want to form a relationship with.

    Not sure how your ex is like but I am a very sensitive person. And I can sense when my partner is telling me lies, even though they may otherwise appear normal. I may not be able to pin point it to what it actually is, but the line between fact and fiction exists as a nagging afterthought to everything I do.

    I also hate to play the devil's advocate here, and I do not know your ex enough to be able to comment extensively on his personality(also I understand that this blog is your safe space to talk about things from your perspective) but I really don't think you are handling this in an appropriate manner as I do not believe that this has anything to do with him (i.e he was already prepared and ready to leave anytime soon...). If anything I think his insecurity may have a lot to do with the fact that you did commit an infidelity and that him knowing about it only confirms his skepticism on the level of trust he could place upon you. ps. how can you expect him to trust you, when your confession pretty much proves his suspicions all along? Which really begs the question: Was his constant mistrust of you REALLY all that misplaced? Actions speak louder than words...

    Finding the strength to admit your infidelity to someone is a very huge thing, and I give you credit for that. But finding the strength to forgive someone for betraying your sense of trust takes even more time and strength. For what its worth... whatever sadness and hurt you're feeling right now, he's probably feeling it twice as bad. The very thought that someone, who claimed to love you, who claimed to support you and to offer you a sense of trust and dependency, could have done something of that sort early on in the relationship is an EXTREMELY painful thing. I'm sure I don't have to tell you in any more detail as you have experienced something similar yourself.

  4. Different people start off with different levels of trust. Some lower than others. Your ex is clearly one of those individuals whose innate sense of trust is on the lower end of that spectrum. When you decide to be in a relationship with a person in the future, try to remember that you will eventually have to come to accept ALL parts of that person. Including this sense of trust. If it is going to take a million reassurances to maintain that level of mutual trust, is the relationship still worth it? More importantly, are you (personality/lifestyle/emotional-wise) able to live up to those expectations? It's a very easy thing, to believe every potential romantic partner to be THE fairy tale solution to all our problems... but it is also very important to be very honest from the beginning. This is who I (you) am (are). And this is what I(you) need! No illusions, no delusions, only the bare facts of the person.

  5. Tight hugs man!!! Hugs hugs hugs!!!

  6. Hmm...

    At least you did tell him the truth.

  7. Maybe both should cool down for a while before discussing this matter again?

  8. i actually havent said the 3 words before to keith up till now.. hm......