Lol.. its like finally reaching 400 post after 2 years and I abandoned my blog..
Well, honestly saying, I can describe myself as depressed for the past month or two..
What do you do when reality hits and every bad aspect of your life just flushes in front of your eyes repeatedly, replaying every morning the second your feet touches the carpet floor when you get out of bed, or lock eyes with yourself infron't of the mirror?
Funny isn't it? How my blog has been going on and on about the same topic about how unhappy I am, big contrast from when I started blogging..
Dance..
The only thing that used to keep me sane..
Its really degrading when you worked so hard and tried your best but still come short against others. Been dancing so long but here I am seeing people that have just started dancing recently just surpass me in every aspect, rendering myself as a "second choice" or kicking me out of the running when being picked for video projects. Just makes me wonder what they have that I don't. I watch for angles, watch for how hard each step suppose to be hit or executed, I know I need improvements but am I really worst than those people that can't even keep count or stay in blocking? The only thing I excel in my dance group is Latin dancing but sometimes it just feels that the only reason I get noticed for Latin dancing is because most people in my dance group don't dance Latin, or never taken classes before.. If more people learned it, will I be shadowed as everything else?..
Speaking of Latin dancing, a simple photo shoot as the promo for our upcoming performance, my dance partner got selected to be a model since Latin is the "sexy" in the dance world, the male model however, was a close friend. That's okay with me but when he pulled out of it, a guy that can't even do simple spins, have to be given special attention when learning choreography gets chosen as a model when I was expected next in line... Does that mean my looks aren't good enough?.. Too short? Face problem?.. Not build enough?..
Been hitting the gym so often and my body is progressing so slow... Would love to hire a personal trainer but my wallet is thin enough as it is.
Failing a paper last semester, I got a choice to do summer school, overload on subjects (5 per semester) or extend a semester. I really wanted to take summer school to take off the heavy loan because I am confident overloading will only make me do worst but when I actually went to inquire about summer applications after the busy assignment period, I found out applications are closed. Only opened for 12 days?.. So the only option now is to extend a semester but by doing so means to incur unforeseen cost on my Uni funds. I don't know if I can actually bring myself to ask more money from my parents to correct the mistakes I did.
I really need to get a second job to cover for my expenses.. Work changes people, a promotion forces people to change. Work isn't like how it used to be anymore. Friends become enemies and after the promotion, knives are brought out to stab one another. I know every work place have politics but I would rather join somewhere where the politics are already there than seeing everything changed in front of my eyes.
Dance, self image, studies, finance, work.. What else is there..
Relationship..
Arguments so often it makes you just ask yourself questions..
Puppy just sleeps it off and the next day he is practically restored like nothing happened.. My stupid brain however, just takes everything over to the next day and everything just compiles and stacks to a huge pile of crap feeling.. Puppy always say I use distance as an excuse in our fights. Am i wrong to say distance is such a huge factor?
What am I suppose to do now..
Every problem I have is intertwined like a mass snake orgy..
My next few post should be happier.
The thing that I can say I'm really bless is my friends. Group of people I literally see everyday, being sad around them is literally impossible but sometimes I can't help but wonder, big group of over 30 friends.. Besides those really close ones, who is genuinely friends?..
Leonut
Well, honestly saying, I can describe myself as depressed for the past month or two..
What do you do when reality hits and every bad aspect of your life just flushes in front of your eyes repeatedly, replaying every morning the second your feet touches the carpet floor when you get out of bed, or lock eyes with yourself infron't of the mirror?
Funny isn't it? How my blog has been going on and on about the same topic about how unhappy I am, big contrast from when I started blogging..
Dance..
The only thing that used to keep me sane..
Its really degrading when you worked so hard and tried your best but still come short against others. Been dancing so long but here I am seeing people that have just started dancing recently just surpass me in every aspect, rendering myself as a "second choice" or kicking me out of the running when being picked for video projects. Just makes me wonder what they have that I don't. I watch for angles, watch for how hard each step suppose to be hit or executed, I know I need improvements but am I really worst than those people that can't even keep count or stay in blocking? The only thing I excel in my dance group is Latin dancing but sometimes it just feels that the only reason I get noticed for Latin dancing is because most people in my dance group don't dance Latin, or never taken classes before.. If more people learned it, will I be shadowed as everything else?..
Speaking of Latin dancing, a simple photo shoot as the promo for our upcoming performance, my dance partner got selected to be a model since Latin is the "sexy" in the dance world, the male model however, was a close friend. That's okay with me but when he pulled out of it, a guy that can't even do simple spins, have to be given special attention when learning choreography gets chosen as a model when I was expected next in line... Does that mean my looks aren't good enough?.. Too short? Face problem?.. Not build enough?..
Been hitting the gym so often and my body is progressing so slow... Would love to hire a personal trainer but my wallet is thin enough as it is.
Failing a paper last semester, I got a choice to do summer school, overload on subjects (5 per semester) or extend a semester. I really wanted to take summer school to take off the heavy loan because I am confident overloading will only make me do worst but when I actually went to inquire about summer applications after the busy assignment period, I found out applications are closed. Only opened for 12 days?.. So the only option now is to extend a semester but by doing so means to incur unforeseen cost on my Uni funds. I don't know if I can actually bring myself to ask more money from my parents to correct the mistakes I did.
I really need to get a second job to cover for my expenses.. Work changes people, a promotion forces people to change. Work isn't like how it used to be anymore. Friends become enemies and after the promotion, knives are brought out to stab one another. I know every work place have politics but I would rather join somewhere where the politics are already there than seeing everything changed in front of my eyes.
Dance, self image, studies, finance, work.. What else is there..
Relationship..
Arguments so often it makes you just ask yourself questions..
Puppy just sleeps it off and the next day he is practically restored like nothing happened.. My stupid brain however, just takes everything over to the next day and everything just compiles and stacks to a huge pile of crap feeling.. Puppy always say I use distance as an excuse in our fights. Am i wrong to say distance is such a huge factor?
What am I suppose to do now..
Every problem I have is intertwined like a mass snake orgy..
My next few post should be happier.
The thing that I can say I'm really bless is my friends. Group of people I literally see everyday, being sad around them is literally impossible but sometimes I can't help but wonder, big group of over 30 friends.. Besides those really close ones, who is genuinely friends?..
Leonut
hmmm don't take 5 units per sem... 4 is enough to kill a student already! Your best option is really just to extend 1 more sem, and use this as a reminder/lesson to not fail in upcoming units... And if i'm not mistaken, your course should be another 2 years or so right... that means the following summer (2014/15) u can still take summer sem maybe? Or got industrial placement?
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I think it comes down to better time management, and how u set your priorities.. I think you're too distracted by other things..... I know academics can be boring and assignments are shitty, but u really just need to put more oomphh into it.... becoz the reality is, an undergrad degree really isn't that hard to pass, and you probably know it.
this is coming with love ok <3
I know u dont have face problem cos someone been telling me how hot u are even though he's shy to tell it to u directly. So, dont look down on urself k ^,^
ReplyDeleteand yeah, I agree with jboy. try to avoid taking 5 subjects as it really gonna put a huge burden on u especially since u're working and active with ur dance as well. I did it once and even that was because it was only a music class. Better to pay more and manage to score it in the end =)
*hugs* end this year with a smile on ur face, leonut =)