417 : This is what you have done to me.

I can put it another way and say this is what you have done to us.

You broke my trust.

I can honestly admit to you that even during our almost one year long distance, I have not felt insecure to this extend. I've always trusted you and the doubt that you were out with people you shouldn't be out with  never existed. Until now.

You deliberately lied to me countless times over the same issue and the worst part is that you lied to cover up that lie. Lie over a lie over a lie. Only when you are cornered with facts and proof thrown at your face did you admit to them. That broke my trust in you.

Yes. you can bring it up again and again, I did cheat on you the first month of our relationship. I cuddled with a friend and made out with him but that was a year ago, when our relationship foundation was weak being paved during a long distance.  But you? You choose to lie when our foundation was build as strong as ever, when we spent almost everyday together for 3 months. You say its the same but is it?..

You keep telling me you lied to me but you love me. Does loving me make it okay to lie? The word love sounds like an excuse to me. Its like : I can do shit but as long as I don't cheat, its okay, cause I love you. I don't know if i'm the only one that think this is utter bullshit.

So right now when you tell me you are with your family, I don't trust you, I don't believe you. You could be out on a date or something, I would never know. You took effort to lie to me before and ensured me you weren't lying when I found out you still kept stuff from me.

"I swear. I've told you everything"

Sounds familiar? Told me that right before I found out you still were lying. So when you tell me the same thing now, what am I to feel? You say my friends have no business in this. Yes I know thats true to an extend, they don't know you at all. But they know me. They know whats good for me and they see all the pained you caused me. Its embarrassing when people see red eyes and can figure out what happen..

Once bitten, twice shy, thrice? I'm dumb shit. But now its the fourth of fifth time. What am I?

I know I'm a spiteful person when you hurt or offend me. But you know why I don't take revenge? If I ever do something similar to what you did, the moment you lose your trust in me, we are gonna crumble. There is a reason why I don't call you my boyfriend or say I love you anymore. I don't know when you will gain my trust back, but until you do, I don't want the same shit to repeat itself. I'm putting a safety net on this.

There is no telling if the hurt and betrayal I feel will push me to do things as revenge.

There is another issue.
Don't expect me to say I love you back just cause you said it to me. You have to right to expect that for me after you did things behind my back like that. Don't overuse "I love you", the more you use it, the lesser it has in value. I say it when I feel like saying it.

So this is what you did to me. The relationship may still be prefect to you but its not to me anymore.. My part is crumbling and you don't see it..

Why did you even do such things?..

Yes, this is me showing all my weakness to the world...
Pathetic.

Leonut.