324 : You.

You.
You are the guy i will actually admit I fell for after penguin.
The person i once look forward to talking to every day and night.

But before any proper feelings could develop, you shot me down. You told me "Why? Fell for me dy?".
Just that sentence made me feel like crap. Like i was that desperate little boy going after you..
Maybe i was? I started trying to kill off the feelings yet we still talk often.

We always sounded excited when we planned to meet, at least i was.

First time we plan to meet up.
I was on my way to meet you after uni. My train ticket was already validated since I took the train to uni and i was quite excited to finally meet you after talking about it the day before. I messaged you confirming everything before I boarded the train and you told me you had to cancel since you were busy..

The next time we planned to have dinner together, You agreed you can confirm dinner plans before 6.. I messaged you to confirm and you only replied at 7 something, by which i was already home eating dinner since it felt like you didn't want to confirm it..

Right after we both finished our exams I told you i was free on Friday, you told me you will let me know. The whole exam period you talked to me and sounded excited to finally have a chance to meet.. The whole Thursday and Friday I kept checking my phone for a confirmation reply.. Nothing...

Stood up 3 times..

It sucks how i feel damn stupid yet i'm not angry at all. Could be my own imagination of your affection towards me.
I'm often stood up but coming from you, it just hurt..

Stupid for me to be expecting anything right? You clearly told me no..
People said mean things about you but i know you aren't. You are a really nice loveable person which might just be the reason i fell..

Little more than a week till our paths will never have a chance to cross again and with that said i don't think we will meet at all.. Just.. not meant to be..

Like a friend said, I really give up finding someone. Countless times where I ever really love, I would be left broken while the other walks around undented.. It fucking sucks, it feels like there is something majorly wrong with me, like i'm really meant to be alone.. There must be something about me that kills their emotions, people don't tell you they like/love you and just take it back the next day right? Or do they?..
Nonetheless, I'm pathetic..

You found me through this blog, i wonder would you ever read this..
Missed chance.
Your banana boy,
Leonut. =(

290 : I'm Pathetic

I just realize how pathetic i really am, not exactly in a depressed, you-should-jump-off-a-building type of  pathetic, but rather a dumb type of pathetic.

Without realizing i do the most stupid stuff which people do notice..

Last week while working, i was clearing the waste food off a porcelain bowl, shaking the dense gravy off into a big bin, i was thinking to myself "Wow this bowl is really heavy", and boom! I dropped the whole bowl into the bin. Before i could even process what was going on i heard "I saw that!! Hahahaha", from a  new work mate. Had to go into the kitchen and get it out.. First impression - Gone.

Was playing cluedo with few friends. I totally forgot i had a the "living room" card and when the super competitive M accused in the living room and lost, he demanded to know who had the card.. Which then i realize i did... EMBARRASSING!! Played all the old games with them too like "Split, categories and heartattack" too which resulted in me getting punish "indian drum" style, twice.

Wanted to drink water today, picked up the flask and saw there was only a bit of water left, thinking i could finish it and then boil more water, i poured the flask water into a cup. There were still excess in the flask so i took a sip from the cup and refilled the cup. "Damn there is still little more", i thought to myself, so i took another sip and fill.. And again.. and again.. Apparently, thanks to my awesome perception of volume quantity, i couldn't tell the water inside the flask was enough for 2 cups of water.. So i finished one cup of water on the spot just to finish the fill the flask again..

I often don't know what people are talking about. Even if they are topics of my interest. Its like i know only the tip of the ice bergs for each topic yet they always go into dept. And when they talk about it i pray they don't ask my opinions which they tend to do which result to me saying "er.. I'm not sure le.." with the blurest face in the world. Its not only that but i always say something totally out of topic which often results in stares from everyone..
Another reason why i am so pathetic, You. I fell in love with you and after 8 months the feelings are still there. :(
Basically to summarize.. i just realize how dumb and blur i am..
I should just dye my hair blonde and keep it that way..

Blurr~
Leonut