371 : I'm jealous?

Is this call jealousy?

The sudden frustration I always feel when you mention his name.
The fact that he is spending so much time with you when you guys just met.
Am I allowed to feel annoyed?

Every single day there would be a mention of you by him or him by you, either directly or indirectly.
I know you both have nothing on but its just such a kill joy when you tell me about him. Just the happiness i have when i talk to you disappears completely.

I'm closer to him than you are but...
I don't know what i'm feeling.
I just want to stop talking to both of you when you tell me stuff about him and vice versa.
If you both are so close just talk to each other!

Jealous you all are going out so often and i'm stuck here alone?
That he stopped talking to me and is instead talking to you?
That he is giving you gifts and i'm getting nothing?

What the hell is wrong with me?..
Maybe i'm just this stupid selfish fucker that don't want to be only unhappy one six thousand miles away.
I seriously need to get over this..
I better go back to studying.
Leonut

Ryan, please don't say anything.
I still want to post things here as an outlet, not as a news report to puppy or anyone i know personally. 

358

What do you do when you feel down?
Like in your whole life you will never find true happiness,
Like obstacles are there all the time and you never get to catch a break?

Its frustrating.

"Feel like i'm trap in someone else's master plan,

 go to school, 

get a job, 

get a mortgage. 

All i'm doing is dying."

-I could be the one

The time of happiness is over and long gone.

Faded away and impossible to grasp anymore.
So what am I to do?
With close to 7 billion people in the world, do you feel special?

For now, i'm just going to wank, curl up in bed, fml, and sleep.
Nights.

320 : I'm not stupid

I'm not stupid my dear colleagues.
Just because i present myself as a hyper and playful person doesn't mean what ever i say is senseless and not important.
As a matter of fact it is the other way around.

I'm stupid in your eyes just because i don't talk about the senseless crap you guys talk about?
Get a life.
Broaden your knowledge about the world and be more open minded about the things you don't know.
Just because your small feeble narrow brain of yours can't comprehend simple general knowledge i talk about doesn't make me the stupid laughing stalk in the whole conversation.
Oh no my dear colleagues.. never.

Like a simple German dish called the Pork Knuckle. Yes, it is the knuckle of a swine. People eat that. The moment i was laughed at for eating a so call "weird and disgusting" thing just made me realize how dumb all you guys are.

An arm full of tattoos is call a tattoo sleeve. Use its proper name rather then using 5 sentences that could be replaced with one simple common word. Telling me "yea, whatever, the arm tattoo things"? Yup, my respect for all of you just dropped even lower.

Been 4 months since i started working with you guys and with each passing day i worked with you all, it brought me closer to the realization that the whole group of you are just plain dumb. I'm happy i have reduced my work shifts every week yet somewhat sad to see the whole group of you "popular" kids rubbing your stupidity onto others, dumbing them down to your level.

I do prefer to sit by myself far from your lunch table because i find it completely pointless to talk to you all. Listening to you guys talk about how you get piss drunk everyday and your "adventures" to get home in your intoxicated state every night doesn't amuse me.

Don't tease and call me anti-social.

I choose not to be laughed at every word i say. Taking yesterday as another example, you guys were talking about cartilage piercings and I was laughed at for saying "industrial piercing" because non of them heard of it before. Yes dumb fucks, there are such things.

Knowledge is power, not a big mouth and narrow brain.
THINK before talking. Impression on people is key to a success.
As i dig a hole and bury my respect for you guys 6 feet under, I'm happy you guys are such a close gang knowing monkeys travel in packs.

Till the head chimp backstabs you all dumb ignorant fucks,
Lots of Love,
Leonut :)

272 : Text

When you decide to stop texting me just let me know k?
Don't fucking reply once and ignore me when i reply you.

Just tell it to my face : "Leonut, you are damn boring to talk to, i have better things to do."

I would seriously appreciate that rather then me waiting for you to reply.
And don't go "Oh! Leonut!! I miss you so much!!!" then stop replying.
Just fucking bull crap!!

If you are busy, tell me you are busy!!
If you have better people to talk to, tell me.

I'm sick of this.

P.s. I'm not referring solely to one person. It's generally everyone. Best friends, friends, etc. reply once and no more. 

249 : 2012 ½

Its only little over half a year and I'm already dreading this year to the max.

This first fuck that happen to me in this year would be B. Being able to spend the first day of the year with him, I thought it was a sign of a good year ahead, that the whole year would be just as happy as i was on that day. It was just a belief that i had.. I was wrong.. Everything fell apart and i was broken.

Its been already half a year but uni still feels as foreign to be as Egypt. There is nothing to look forward to and I only have 2 close friends which are from the same college as I was. I know everyone would say i should go out and make friends, that i shouldn't be so 'keep-to-myself' type and just talk to people. Hell! If you know me personally, you would know I can just talk to anyone and make friends. Some how for people here.. You just get a vibe from them that they are really.. uninterested?
Basically its the whites look down on you because you are asian and they think they are better then you, The people from China people look down on everyone just because they are from China, the Indonesians are like glue to each other and it is almost impossible to find glue as strong as theirs, and the Singaporeans look down on Malaysians due to obvious reasons.. (Sorry if i offended anyone but that how my friend and I see it..).

White > China > Indonesians + Singaporeans > Malaysian

lol?

I do have Malaysian friends but since everyone is having different course, you seldom see each other in Uni.

Due to the emotional problems in the beginning of the year, i didn't manage to join a dance club since they only take members in the beginning of the semester. I am so deprived of dancing, it just leaves me like a zombie most of the time. Dancing in your room is not the same as dancing in a studio with proper choreography. I really need to start dancing again..

I realize how I'm drifting away from my Malaysian friends. Its like what happened to be during college. Everyone in my high school went to HELP while only a handful of us went to Taylor's and other colleges. Since everyone is together in HELP with their own cliques, you aren't really notice when you are gone and slowly forgotten, which is exactly what is happening now. Everyone is busy with their own exams, performances and activities, its hard to talk to them. When I do manage to talk to them, they are talking to other people and i only get replies few mins a time.

Most people wont be in Malaysia when i get back too. Most of them are heading to UK for studies. I have 3 dance partners. Currently, one is in New Zealand, one is on the her way to Germany and another UK. Awesome... There is also this guy which i was close to that is going overseas which i miss dearly..
 

I literally blocked someone off from ever contacting me in anyway possible yesterday.. Initially we were really close then i realize i was using him as a rebound, so naturally i told him about it and true enough, my feelings for him faded. We were still friends at first but i could feel he was still hopping for something to happen from the way he talked to me. No matter how i tried to tell him nothing would happen he was still hopeful and trying. I don't want him to waste time on me and move on with his life and i didn't see any way to force him to it since he never listened.. so i blocked him.. He was crying so badly yesterday and my heart just sank..
If you are reading this.. I'm really really sorry..
I'm an asshole.

I changed so much in this half year and i don't like what i'm changing to..
I don't like you 2012..  Hopefully the next half a year would be good to me.

The end of the world better not be 2012!! If the world were to end, at least be a good year!! Not some depressing year!! 2013. Half a year more!

Leonut!

212 : Family?

Family, cousins, aunts and uncles.
We are suppose to be close even though we are an extended family.

FUCKING HECK NO!!

All those assholes just love to come and suck what ever benefits they can get from my parents.
Want to come up to Malaysia from Singapore?
Sure, Who needs a hotel, just stay at my home and my room.
That, i don't mind but when you choose the most expensive restaurant to eat dinner, order suckling pig, abalone and every fucking expensive thing on the menu and expect my dad to pay? FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!  That few thousand ringgit spend on feeling your stomach for one dinner only (Not to mention the few thousand for your other meals) might be nothing to you but my parents aren't working and my other siblings and I are in Melbourne. You are from Singapore, your currency is already so powerful and you make my parents pay.

Being here, i've already became damn stingy with money. Everything here is x3 the price. Everyone goes, "Dont convert la, just buy what ever you want". Fuck you! You don't know the financial burden i would incur if spend like i am in Malaysia, it wouldn't be right, those aren't my money, its my parents. If i work here and earned local currency, that would be another story.

Another stupid ass is my uncle.
Been leeching of my parents since beginning of time. Dad had to pay for almost everything, including his wedding. Then he just decided to back stab my dad few years ago and made his way with pockets full of money. The damn house you are staying in its not even yours, its my sisters. And do you pay rent? No. Living for free. And when my mum ask for 1k rent a month, you conveniently decided to ignore her. Its only 1k!! Don't fucking lie that you dont have money, you need to pay for your child's fees and blah blah blah. If you are really are that financially constraint, your son wont be posting'

"Yay, dad is going to buy me a new car!"
"Tequila shots! Awesome night tonight!"
"Should i buy a new phone?"
"Going clubbing again today!"

Yea, your child's fees huh?
Each year at chinese new year they would come for the reunion dinner, they would just take all the expensive food they can find, then leave the rest. Chicken, fish and vegetables will always have lots of remainder. Seafood however. Always finished by them. A thank you after dinner every year? Never.
My mum spends a few days preparing and cooking everything and she doesnt even get a thank you. She works so hard at it and you can see how stress she is about it, everyday going to the market and going around buying things for the dinner. You can see how tired she is... :(

Conclusion is, my dad's side of the family are all money sucking assholes.
They come and suck as much money as they can before leaving everytime.

And for god's sake. Cant you guys ever say a word of "Thank you" to my parents when you decided to use their money?

Fuck you!!

When the time comes, My sister and I will claim back what ever is rightfully my parent's for them. Just you wait!!

190 : Guess who??

Guess who got played twice in a roll??
A little bitch called Leonut did!!
Yes!! He did!!

The guy that he gave his heart to was dating some other guy when he was with leonut!
Just awesome right??

JUST BLOODY FUCKING AWESOME!! :DDDD

Why not everyone just take turns playing with leonut's heart? I'm sure he will just love that!! C'mon send an email!! Make him fall in love with you then just break his fucking heart at the peak!!! Feels like a trend now anyways! Go ahead!!

Will be waiting for the next one!

XOXO
LEONUT! :DDDDDDDD!!!!

171 : You remembered!!

"I thought you forgot about me liao. haha!"

Like are you fucking serious? I have only felt this degree of annoyance and frustration when this supposedly "smart" comeback to my greetings have been used on me. What the hell is wrong with people??

Its always like this. Am i the one that is expected to initiate conversation?? Why cant you start it? A few months ago I private message a friend and his first respond was "Wah!! You remember me!! Can open a bottle of champagne already". I just felt so annoyed. And here today another one gives me the same bullshit!

I just feel so frustrated I'm like always the one that wants to keep the friendships. End of form 5, everyone goes "Keep in contact k? Will meet up often and all". SUCH A FUCKING LIE!! Seriously, I'm starting to not bother keeping in contact with people already.

So call best friends of high school. I private message them asking how they are and they give me all these one worded answers and then no reply. So that 5 years together was a bloody set up?

Before I came to Australia i called a "close" friend asking her if she could met up with me before i left. Just to catch up and talk. She told me "ohh!! I will call you next week and tell you when okay? Can call the whole gang too! Shall meet up before you leave k?" It dint bloody happened. She dint even bother telling me if she was free.

All this friendship crap is fucking NONSENSE!! I am so bloody frustrated. Why cant you guys be the one that look for me instead of me for you? Am i that insignificant in your life? All the time spent together just down the drain? I feel so stupid even trying to talk to you all when you all obviously don't even put effort into talking to me.

Seriously..
Dont fuck with me with all these "You remember me!" crap when I talk to you.
I'm already bloody down on my relationship status, I dont need you to add on.
My patients to these poppycock shit is drawing very very thin.