Its only little over half a year and I'm already dreading this year to the max.
This first fuck that happen to me in this year would be B. Being able to spend the first day of the year with him, I thought it was a sign of a good year ahead, that the whole year would be just as happy as i was on that day. It was just a belief that i had.. I was wrong.. Everything fell apart and i was broken.
Its been already half a year but uni still feels as foreign to be as Egypt. There is nothing to look forward to and I only have 2 close friends which are from the same college as I was. I know everyone would say i should go out and make friends, that i shouldn't be so 'keep-to-myself' type and just talk to people. Hell! If you know me personally, you would know I can just talk to anyone and make friends. Some how for people here.. You just get a vibe from them that they are really.. uninterested?
Basically its the whites look down on you because you are asian and they think they are better then you, The people from China people look down on everyone just because they are from China, the Indonesians are like glue to each other and it is almost impossible to find glue as strong as theirs, and the Singaporeans look down on Malaysians due to obvious reasons..
(Sorry if i offended anyone but that how my friend and I see it..).
White > China > Indonesians + Singaporeans > Malaysian
lol?
I do have Malaysian friends but since everyone is having different course, you seldom see each other in Uni.
Due to the emotional problems in the beginning of the year, i didn't manage to join a dance club since they only take members in the beginning of the semester. I am so deprived of dancing, it just leaves me like a zombie most of the time. Dancing in your room is not the same as dancing in a studio with proper choreography. I really need to start dancing again..
I realize how I'm drifting away from my Malaysian friends. Its like what happened to be during college. Everyone in my high school went to HELP while only a handful of us went to Taylor's and other colleges. Since everyone is together in HELP with their own cliques, you aren't really notice when you are gone and slowly forgotten, which is exactly what is happening now. Everyone is busy with their own exams, performances and activities, its hard to talk to them. When I do manage to talk to them, they are talking to other people and i only get replies few mins a time.
Most people wont be in Malaysia when i get back too. Most of them are heading to UK for studies. I have 3 dance partners. Currently, one is in New Zealand, one is on the her way to Germany and another UK. Awesome... There is also this guy which i was close to that is going overseas which i miss dearly..
I literally blocked someone off from ever contacting me in anyway possible yesterday.. Initially we were really close then i realize i was using him as a rebound, so naturally i told him about it and true enough, my feelings for him faded. We were still friends at first but i could feel he was still hopping for something to happen from the way he talked to me. No matter how i tried to tell him nothing would happen he was still hopeful and trying. I don't want him to waste time on me and move on with his life and i didn't see any way to force him to it since he never listened.. so i blocked him.. He was crying so badly yesterday and my heart just sank..
If you are reading this.. I'm really really sorry..
I'm an asshole.
I changed so much in this half year and i don't like what i'm changing to..
I don't like you 2012.. Hopefully the next half a year would be good to me.
The end of the world better not be 2012!! If the world were to end, at least be a good year!! Not some depressing year!! 2013. Half a year more!
Leonut!
