404 : The spotlight

After almost 21 years, I realize something, I never liked to be in the spotlight of people, at least not deliberately. I would never know how to act, smile till my face twitch? or scan around for a spot to stare at?
I remember a few years back when my class sang happy birthday to me I nearly died of awkwardness, I just stared down on the floor the whole time wishing "happy birthday" had 2 verse instead of 4. I can see however, my friends aren't victim to this social awkwardness.

Few days ago during a party we sang happy birthday to a friend, her reaction?
She proceeded to jump off a chair to the middle of the room, did the muscle biceps pose with her thumbs pointing at herself, nodding her head up and down with a 'yeah bitches, its my birthday, sing to me' expression. Freaking, Epic.

On the same party, a group of friends bought gifts for me as a thank you for choreographing and training them for a dance production. Other choreographers cried, some cheered with friends, me?

I hid behind my friend for a clear minute, hugging him so he wouldn't run away, trying my best to get away from that situation where all eyes were on me.. When they actually manage to pry both of us apart, I was surprised with flowers, dancing shoes and a card with thanks. Words cannot describe that feeling! I just wanted to hug them and never let go! I was blushing so much!

Could it be that I have this awkwardness due to the fact that I've never really celebrated my birthday before, maybe twice at most. I seldom get gifts and all as well. I'm still learning..

Speaking of spotlights, on stage however, I LOVE THE SPOTLIGHT! That feeling of 'Yea bitches! All eyes on me!' is one form of spotlight I love! I guess most dancers live for that feeling, the adrenaline rush, that moment where your whole world disappears and all you know is you are on stage, the music and beat is echoing through the whole theater, and your body goes into autopilot when muscle memory kicks in. Pure bliss!

Anyways, after 2 hectic weeks of practices, the performance of the year is over, leaving most of us with post-depression, refreshing the social media every few minutes hoping videos get posted or pictures get uploaded.. Performed shirtless on stage, what a new experience.. =P

Till next time,
Love,
Leonut

403 : Keep your D*CK dry!

Seriously.. Don't think he is even trying.. LOL 20-30 people on my D*CK at once?

Leonut
*Sorry the video didn't appear the first time.. My bad. ><

402 : Death is stupid.

I don't know how I stumbled across this video (I'm not suicidal..), but this just makes me tear up..

I know recently someone passed away from a hit and run incident.
Seeing friends post tributes to him and all just breaks my heart honestly..

But live and let die?..
I don't know..

The video is about suicide though, but I can assume the after effects, although not severe, can be similar when you see people taken away unexpectedly..

Just thinking about death just confuses me..
Bittersweet?

Don't know..

If i died right now, the thing I want most is for my parents to know about me..
To read my blog if possible and finally know me in detail and understand me completely..
Hopefully to accept me as well...

Lol, tiring day!
I need to get my study engine going.. =(

Leonut

401 : How do you?

Lol.. its like finally reaching 400 post after 2 years and I abandoned my blog..

Well, honestly saying, I can describe myself as depressed for the past month or two..
What do you do when reality hits and every bad aspect of your life just flushes in front of your eyes repeatedly, replaying every morning the second your feet touches the carpet floor when you get out of bed, or lock eyes with yourself infron't of the mirror?

Funny isn't it? How my blog has been going on and on about the same topic about how unhappy I am, big contrast from when I started blogging..

Dance..
The only thing that used to keep me sane..
Its really degrading when you worked so hard and tried your best but still come short against others. Been dancing so long but here I am seeing people that have just started dancing recently just surpass me in every aspect, rendering myself as a "second choice" or kicking me out of the running when being picked for video projects. Just makes me wonder what they have that I don't. I watch for angles, watch for how hard each step suppose to be hit or executed, I know I need improvements but am I really worst than those people that can't even keep count or stay in blocking? The only thing I excel in my dance group is Latin dancing but sometimes it just feels that the only reason I get noticed for Latin dancing is because most people in my dance group don't dance Latin, or never taken classes before.. If more people learned it, will I be shadowed as everything else?..

Speaking of Latin dancing, a simple photo shoot as the promo for our upcoming performance, my dance partner got selected to be a model since Latin is the "sexy" in the dance world, the male model however, was a close friend. That's okay with me but when he pulled out of it, a guy that can't even do simple spins, have to be given special attention when learning choreography gets chosen as a model when I was expected next in line... Does that mean my looks aren't good enough?.. Too short? Face problem?.. Not build enough?..

Been hitting the gym so often and my body is progressing so slow... Would love to hire a personal trainer but my wallet is thin enough as it is.

Failing a paper last semester, I got a choice to do summer school, overload on subjects (5 per semester) or extend a semester. I really wanted to take summer school to take off the heavy loan because I am confident overloading will only make me do worst but when I actually went to inquire about summer applications after the busy assignment period, I found out applications are closed. Only opened for 12 days?.. So the only option now is to extend a semester but by doing so means to incur unforeseen cost on my Uni funds. I don't know if I can actually bring myself to ask more money from my parents to correct the mistakes I did.

I really need to get a second job to cover for my expenses.. Work changes people, a promotion forces people to change. Work isn't like how it used to be anymore. Friends become enemies and after the promotion, knives are brought out to stab one another. I know every work place have politics but I would rather join somewhere where the politics are already there than seeing everything changed in front of my eyes.

Dance, self image, studies, finance, work.. What else is there..

Relationship..

Arguments so often it makes you just ask yourself questions..
Puppy just sleeps it off and the next day he is practically restored like nothing happened.. My stupid brain however, just takes everything over to the next day and everything just compiles and stacks to a huge pile of crap feeling.. Puppy always say I use distance as an excuse in our fights. Am i wrong to say distance is such a huge factor?

What am I suppose to do now..
Every problem I have is intertwined like a mass snake orgy..

My next few post should be happier.
The thing that I can say I'm really bless is my friends. Group of people I literally see everyday, being sad around them is literally impossible but sometimes I can't help but wonder, big group of over 30 friends.. Besides those really close ones, who is genuinely friends?..

Leonut

400 : Creepy.. Plain Creepy.

Gonna be a long post about a restaurant customer people call my stalker.. lol

Working in a F&B industry, I can honestly say you get to meet some of the nicest people, the worst type people, the best looking and also, who can forget, the weirdest of people.

Have you seen someone want his food modified to vegetarian and then add a piece of fried chicken?

This few weeks I've been working almost everyday. One particular table with a family of 6 had a really really friendly guy.. Too friendly that it just creeps everyone out. First time I actually noticed this man he was talking to my friend, Izzy, that moment, no one expected us to gain a peculiar regular customer.

1.
He tapped my arm when i walked by his table.
"Hey! Whats your name?"
"Er.. Leo..?."
"Hello! Are you from Malaysia?"
"Yea, Malaysia PJ."
"Oh! Me too! Do you know where Izzy is from?"
"I'm not particularly sure actually"
"Why not? She is your co-working?"
"Oh, she just joined us about a month ago, I haven't got to know her well"
"I see, I see"
*Awkward smile, RUN AWAY* 

Few mins later walking by that table when Izzy was clearing their plates.
"Hey Izzy, I heard you are new here!"
Should see Izzy's face.. My god.. She was so creeped out.

2."Hey Leo! Do you know your name (my real name), can stand for *censored*, or *censored*?? (referring to a superhero) Its so funny! Are you a superhero then??
"Err.. haha.. I got to go"
*It was so lame.. I had nothing to say..*

3.
"Leo!! Beberapa Umur?? (How old are you in Malay)
"Dua-puluh" (20)
"Oh! Hahaha, I'm twice your age! 44! Imagine that!
"Wow.. Okay.. I'll just go.."

4.
"Hey Leo! My name is Micheal by the way.
Micheal~"
"Okays"..
I didn't ask. but okay.. 
That was the highlights of the first day, with lots of mini creepy things he did..
He came in alone for lunch 2 days later.

5.
"Hey Leo!! Nice to see you again! Are you free now? Can i ask you a few IQ questions?"
"Yea I am." (He came in so early, he was the only 3 tables having lunch"
"Okay! Can i have your middle finger?
"Huh?"
*Clips my middle finger using his thumb and index*
"Okay! *Gesturing to difference places of his arm*, White house, blue house, green house, Red house, Where is the white house?"
"Right here?"
"WRONG! White house is in Woshington DC! haha"
"Oh! hahaha! wtf fucking lame..""Second question~ *Something lame where i got wrong*
*Puts his hand near my face* "Am i touching you?"
"No?"
"Wrong! I'm touching your finger"
"O.o..."
*Proceed to get the next question wrong*
"Okay, last question! Whats the first question i asked you?""The white hou.."
"WRONG! Can i ask you a few IQ question!" 
"Oh! haha! I got all wrong".
"Yea you did!"
"Okay, I can stand here for too long, I'm going to go walk around"

The whole time I was smiling cause I really didn't know what to do.. The questions were so lame!! Especially coming from him!

6.
"Hey Leo! Do you have a pen and paper? I can write all the questions down for you so you can test your friends!"
"Oh its okay! Don't worry about it!"
"You sure?? Its not a hassle, I can write it down for you"
"Nah, I mean all these are quite common, there are plenty in the internet"
"Really? I got this all the way from Singapore! I never heard any like this before"
"Nah its really okay."
"Awww.. Okay, but anytime you want it you can just ask me!"
"Sure! *quickly pretend i'm busy and walk away*

7.
"Hey leo! Can we be friends?"
"Sure....?"
"Lets exchange email address?"
"O.o.... I don't use email!" *Panic mode*
"What?? You don't?"
"Yea! I don't! Its like i only use it once a week to check my work roster then i just turn it off!"
"So you don't check your mail?"
"Oh nope! haha! These days everyone just uses their phone!" 
"Yea i know. Too bad I don't know how to use all of those"
"Aww.. Generation Gap i guess."
"Yea its the generation gap"
"Okays~!"

The whole day that day i just really don't know what to feel.. Felt so creeped out by this creepy looking friendly asian man.. Other staff just stand and laugh at me, even the kitchen laughed at me.

NEXT DAY.

Was talking to my friend the next day about how creepy the day before was.
Everyone was laughing at it, before we knew it, looked at the door and he came in!
I just ran and hid behind the counter..

Refused to walk near his table.
He actually grabbed hold of my friend and ask him for his name.When my friend told him what his name was, his reply was "Hey Vincent, Do you know i know Leo?"
The whole day he did make small talk to me when i walked by. The kitchen actually allowed me to NOT send food to his table.. Basically, everyone was laughing, everyone was scared to be his next victim and i was deemed to be attractive to older men.. lol

400th post dedicated to Micheal.
The way you creep me out like no other.

I'm feel like sleeping every moment i'm free..
Leonut

399 : Straight crush?

All American boy. =D
So many gay guys having straight crushes.
As always, straight guys giving wrong signals, or rather just them being them, touchiness and friendliness interpreted wrongly by our active minds.

Love this song and music video.
Kinda like the best and worst that can happen.

Share a kiss?
Leonut

398 : Fucker of a male and a female + Dance

My bro.
Is damn naive and stupid.

I don't know how being twins, he doesn't mature and is still childish as hell at this age.

My brother's friends, lets name them X and Y.
Y is a local Australian, his EX- girlfriend, X, is singaporean.
So as implied, they broke up.

Who comes to the rescue? My brother.
Nothing wrong with that, its an admirable trait to help friends in need. I do that all the time too, especially during a breakup of a steady relationship. Whats different? My brother has never had a relationship or anything before, what the fuck advice is he giving to them?

That, i don't really care, but my brother has offered Y a place to stay during their break up since staying together now is obviously a big no-no. Did he ask the other 3 housmates? Big fucking NONO. He TOLD us.

"Hey! My friend is coming over to stay tonight".

Where is the question in that sentence???

So fine. He stays over. The next day, without any approval, he stays over again.
The day after, X comes and stays over. And this goes on for almost 4 weeks now, with X staying over few days a week without fail. Best thing is i only found out her name 2 days ago. Such a pain to talk to, she only mumbles to herself when you talk to her. All she does is sits there and watch tv. At least if she talked to us or something that would be better but she is just there. Makes living in your own home awkward if you know what i mean.

Y's parent's home is 2 hours away by train, so he has no choice but to stay at the home he and X rented together.

X however, has a sister here staying a close distance away. So instead of staying with her sister during her "emo" phase, she chooses to stay at my place. Why? Because if she stays with her sister, she has to sleep on a sofa, and she doesn't like that. You got to be fucking kidding me..

Its just annoying that you can't even do anything in your house anymore. Feels like an intruder in your home. My brother actually goes out, leaving her alone with my sis and I. Then she just sits there in the living room watching tv..

Overstaying your welcome bitch.

Was having dinner alone today while watching tv, my bro came home with her duffle bag filled with her toothbrush, clothes, towel and all her shit, i got so pissed i just went back to my room and slammed the door.. My brother knows i'm pissed, he knows my sister is pissed, that girl seems oblivious though..

Don't assume people will be nice to you if you break up. After a month and you haven't picked yourself up, seriously. Suck it up and stand strong. Don't expect to be spoonfed sympathy. I'm that close to banning you from coming over to stay. And to my brother, have respect, if you don't want to respect me fine, but ask sis if your friends can stay over. She is older after all and she takes care of us, don't give stupid excuses and disrespect her.

Freaking overstaying your welcome..

_______________________________________________________


Lol.. go missing for a few weeks and come back with another ranting post..
I shall tell you guys about my restaurant stalker soon.

Here's a recent performance I did in conjunction with Merdeka.



Don't really care who recognize me now.. I'm nothing much anyways. =D

Recognize me? (My dance starts at 4.00.. =3 )
Enjoy!

Leonut