Before i was 16, i knew already what i am but i always pass the thought of myself as a phase. A phase that will fade in time. I pictured myself "normal", getting a girlfriend, getting married et cetera.
When i was 16, i met this guy through a friend. He was sweet, dramatic and an overall a very good friend. He is one year older then me, a senior. I really enjoyed his company but i never thought further then that.
Tell you guys a secret, i honestly had no idea how does it feel to be loved, or sure of what the feeling of loving someone.
In the middle of the year, something happened that made me discover he was too, someone like me, like us.. That finally made me broke away from the thought of phase i was having. It was never going to fade, it was my life. He was the first person i could really talk to and i wanted us to be more then friends. Being foolish and stupid, i complicated things. The relationship never happened, i made the worst mistake, i lost him,he left my life... I've never talked to him since that day we broke it off..
That made a big impact on my life especially my self esteem. I myself was born not the best looking, I have many flaws. Im expressive and outgoing, many people consider me annoying because i love to talk and express myself that hurt my self esteem even more.. I hit rock bottom a lot, not talking to anyone for the whole day. Every time i feel like i like a guy, i distance myself from him in fear of losing him, it kills me inside.. I never dare pursuit a relationship, I've caved myself in for defense. I feel awfully lonely, but i dont dare go out of my safety zone..
I don't have a single friend in real life that i can talk to about everything. Im jealous of all the straight people.. They can openly seek advice from others while i cant.. I bottled up every emotion i feel .. Im jealous that straight people can just openly say who they like, i cant. They can find love so much more easily. Life just isnt fair..