Monday, 13 June 2011

25: Life...

Before i was 16, i knew already what i am but i always pass the thought of myself as a phase. A phase that will fade in time. I pictured myself "normal", getting a girlfriend, getting married et cetera. 

When i was 16, i met this guy through a friend. He was sweet, dramatic and an overall a very good friend. He is one year older then me, a senior. I really enjoyed his company but i never thought further then that.
Tell you guys a secret, i honestly had no idea how does it feel to be loved, or sure of what the feeling of loving someone.

In the middle of the year, something happened that made me discover he was too, someone like me, like us.. That finally made me broke away from the thought of phase i was having. It was never going to fade, it was my life.  He was the first person i could really talk to and i wanted us to be more then friends. Being foolish and stupid, i complicated things. The relationship never happened, i made the worst mistake, i lost him,he left my life... I've never talked to him since that day we broke it off..

That made a big impact on my life especially my self esteem. I myself was born not the best looking, I have many flaws. Im expressive and outgoing, many people consider me annoying because i love to talk and express myself that hurt my self esteem even more.. I hit rock bottom a lot, not talking to anyone for the whole day. Every time i feel like i like a guy, i distance myself from him in fear of losing him, it kills me inside.. I never dare pursuit a relationship, I've caved myself in for defense. I feel awfully lonely, but i dont dare go out of my safety zone..

I don't have a single friend in real life that i can talk to about everything. Im jealous of all the straight people.. They can openly seek advice from others while i cant.. I bottled up every emotion i feel .. Im jealous that straight people can just openly say who they like, i cant. They can find love so much more easily. Life just isnt fair..



  1. i was were in ur situation before i was 14,about have GF,coupling,get married and so on
    ,when i had my first male-fren-crush,which also my childhood fren.that time what surrounds us doesnt have any gay student(secretly or open),its a taboo.
    anyway,this made me into,erm,very strong silent type of me,i could count my real fren,i know its a bit of deserted but im quite used to it :p

  2. klex, youre thinking too much! :) just the fact that you wrote everything out means you are aware of the situation, but it doesnt really help if you just write it out and dont do anything :) slowly reflect on what you wrote.. be more optimistic.. go talk to guys that you like, make friends above everything.. dont rush into things.. i am the type who if i lose all my friends today, i can still go on with life knowing that i will make new friends tomorrow.. it might not be the same for everybody.. but you can, if you want.. the willpower is yours and the decision is for you to make! muacks! :)

  3. As lonely as it may be, you should know that it's more common than you think. I always gain some consolation knowing that I'm not the only one facing a tough time.

    Most Plu go through something similar during the early years.. In fact, the self consciousness and loneliness never really goes away. But, it gets better somehow... you learn in time how to deal with it better, and your mind adapts to some extent.

    I know it's super cheesy when I say it gets better, but it's damn true! ;)

  4. hmmmm , thats the main reason why you must not have expectations at all when meeting a guy , if u do have superficial ones , you will tend to miss the good ones

  5. hey klex, firstly a hug! *hugs*

    secondly, you just have to slowly take one day at a time, and like Jboy sez... it does get better :)

    Letting out your feelings here in blogoland is good, at least nothing gets stuck inside. No pent up pressure.

    Hope you lighten up soon

  6. That's the thing with people like us. We are sensitive, hence always second-doubt ourselves.

    A big no no. It's ok to reflect once in a while, but never to think in a manner that will lower over self-esteem.


  7. Well i was listening to Lady Gaga's born this way while reading ur blog, coincident much, i dedicate this to u k...?
    We are born to be brave, no matter is right or wrong just have a talk dont distance urself from fear, such distance will enhance that fear to be a problem- an issue in future. this is something i learn over the yrs, having issues revolving around is bad. life is hard enough try not to enhance hardness in it (ops sounded wrong)... Not much of advice is more of what i think :)
    good luck mate **huggies**

  8. Thanks so much guys!! Just something made me really sad yesterday. Thanks for your hugs, little cracks that put a smile on my face and most importantly your advices. Im standing up, facing life again. :P

  9. life is full of surprise; deal with it and let go when time goes by; with an open heart to accept yourself as what you wish people accept you, then you will feel life is good as long as you treat yourself good. cheers :-)

  10. Hey~

    I believe, gay or straight, we all have our hardships and problems. I mean, I wouldn't say that its exactly for straight people to get into relationships as well. Like living in the gay world, its all about presentation, conversation and overall just good chemistry. But hey, you know me and I know you (heck we used to study in the same school and all that) so if you like, we can sure hang out and talk about things. Crushes, cute guys, assholes, predators and everything in between. Plus, I believe no gay guy's life is complete until he's found his fag-hag. Fag hags are actually reallly really useful besides being best friends but maybe I'll talk to you about this in private hahahha.

    take care ~