Tuesday 28 June 2011
39: Who am i?....
I have no idea what my personality is now. Im a totally different person when talking to a plu, generally happier and more relaxed. A normal conversation with someone straight now seems tense compared to when with a plu. Does this mean that when i come out i will change completely being generally more relaxed around people? Am i living a lie now?.. Im dying to come out but i know its not the right time... :(
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Not to worry and don't ever feel guilty about yourself.
ReplyDeletePerhaps when you are ready, everything will be alright.
:D
Hey there buddy~
ReplyDeleteIt's actually very natural to feel that way, especially when your "difference" becomes so much more marked. In a sense when you first talked about yourself to your plu buddies there is a significant shift in the way you are "allowed" to refer to yourself and the way you are allowed to talk about certain things that you have never done before with straight friends. Naturally as time goes by this will cause some uneasiness with you. I mean after awhile it becomes hard to keep up with the stories you've made up, the facts you've ommitted and it gets tiring to keep up a facade over long periods of time which explains for the most part your tenseness.
As for if this will be easier after you come out well... I can tell you from personal experience that it is a bit of yes and no... mostly yes because you can finally let down the facade and be yourself in front of everyone and no because... well, it gets complicated with certain friends and certain people sometime who may not understand yet what it truly means to be gay.
are you living a lie now? Certainly not! Like I said, we're never truly, fully and totally out. No matter where life takes us there's gonna be moments where we inexplicably hold ourselves back, inexplicably tone down the gayness... so in that way we carry these metaphorical closets all the time. So we may live multiple identities. But does that make our existence a lie? I definitely don't think so. Just think of it as adding dimension to who you are. We're always closeted, some of us just dare to step out further than others.
I will be honest though, coming out has been the best thing that's ever happened to me... so far :)
Simple explanation: Birds of a feather flock together. And I guess you may just be worried that you blurt something that may out yourself by accident when you're with the straighties.
ReplyDeleteBtw, don't die to come out. You have to live it! Haha. Take it easy, you'll get there.
; )
COME OUT!
ReplyDeleteAnd feel it. !
YEah!