391 : Phone Buzzed.

Cleaning up after breakfast, the familiar sensation of a vibrating phone in my pocket triggered a reflex to check my phone immediately.

"SMS results"

The worst and best thing that University has came up with, its like saying you WILL see the message if you wanna use your phone. Catching their victims unexpectedly, saving them the killer suspense of logging in to check their results. First time I actually signed up for the service and just as I guessed, I failed.

I failed one paper, which just throws every plan of university back one step or rather adding one more semester depending how you see it. Most people say time is precious and everyone should graduate as soon as possible to get a head start in life but to me failing one subject means incurring a shit load of unnecessary cost on my parents' financial plan to push my siblings and I through University. The few hundred i earn each week doing part-time is just a speck compared to the school fees and rent.

Mum called me when I messaged her the news. Hearing her voice telling me it's okay just made me break down and cry. I've disappointed her and my dad. BIG FUCKING TIME. She kept telling me she is proud of me already but it just sucks.. Sending your kids overseas is never easy.. I feel like such a failure to them..

Dumb bitch crying at a corner table of a unlighted restaurant? Yup that's me.

Had to work full day today, 10.30am to 11pm with only 2 hours break in between, I felt so tired and restless, and with the new cocky trainees around, annoyed. Realize how tired I was when my manager came up to me and asked me if I was gay, I just replied "yes" without hesitant, thanks to the little slip up few days ago. Only when I got home 2 hours ago it hit me how careless and stupid I am to actually out to someone that is known to be 2 faced and backstabs if needed. Yea.. The work place gay community ain't gonna be happy about that, gonna put them all in danger..

Had fried noodles and nasi lemak for supper today.. Self reward to fell better.. Gonna get ice cream later maybe.. Nasi lemak literally fat rice.. lol?..

Better go see a course adviser for my next action. First time failing, with a free "feel like fuck" at the bottom of every result slip..

Gonna just have a nice long wank and sleep.
Nights,
Leonut

388 : Fat rant.

"I'm straight skinny but gay fat"

                                       - Anonymous

I can say, I'm extremely self-conscious about my body. 

For as long as in remember, I always had a fat belly which just makes me dread and hate my body. Can say its an unhealthy mentality but as I'm growing older and watching people around me achieve a dead gorgeous model body, I'm just feeling down on my progress. Been going to gym for more than a year, watching my food, only limiting my liquid intake to water, fresh juices and some.. body liquids.., I honestly expected to at least have my belly fat reduced (overall body fat has reduced though..), instead I'm still at square one after such a long time of trying. Adding the mix comments people give all the time :

"Do more running, will help you reduce your tummy"
"Don't run, lift weights, build and tone up and your tummy will disappear"
"You are gonna lose your build and muscles if you run"
"Do abs workout everyday"
"Don't do abs everyday, do alternate days workout"
"Don't do abs when you have a big tummy, you will only harden your fats"

Its just confusing and frustrating for me with all these mix advice. Hiring a PT would just kill my thinning wallet..

It wouldn't be so bad if I was fat all over..
I remember the first time I ever took of my shirt in public, someone actually used the word "disgusting" to describe my body.Remember one of my hookups last year as well, the guy actually said "I thought you gym?" when I took of my shirt.. Even now puppy admitted  ONCE that my body can be improved.. Its just extremely degrading..

Each time the topic of "fat" comes up in conversations everyone goes "Leo! You aren't fat also! You are damn thin!" when I say I don't like my tummy fat. Could be that everyone already assume I am thin that when they actually see my fats they get a shock..

Disproportionate.. Maybe that's the word to describe my body..

Yesterday I was tagged on a picture on Facebook and my tummy was just bulging out so much in those pictures I had to untag them..

Its just really depressing and it gets me down so often.. I'm not saying I want to get a porn star build, right now, I really just want a flat tummy, abs would be a bonus..

Any tips or advice for me?.. =(

Leonut. 

383 : The stars decided?

I'm sitting in front of my laptop just refreshing pages and websites continuously. Only after a while did i realize how easily socially deprived i am.

My nights usually consist of eating dinner, going through the usual websites(occasionally porn), and then before long, Puppy will be online and we would talk for hours but this day is different. Puppy is busy and i'm left here alone. I always knew i don't have close friends but it never hit me till now. I have no one to talk to.

There are people that I used to talk to almost everyday, but as the days or weeks go by, I kinda get a cold shoulder from them. Few worded messages compared to the long ones we used to have, conversation topics would get dull and never seem to last, I would just feel so cold and distant that most times talking to them I would feel like a burden or I'm annoying them.. and we just stop talking completely.

Its tragic really.. Whats more pathetic than being in my current state of social deprivation and restlessness would be the fact I'm actually blogging about it to the whole world which would now know how friendless and sad my life really is.

A friend of mine is a really strong believer of horoscopes. She would read her year forecast(is that the right term?), month, week and often day forecasts as well. She uses them as a guideline for her current situation, but i'm shall not go into it tonight.. Well when she passed me my horoscope, I was quite stunned on how it actually describes my person as a whole.

An Aquarius. The page I read about my life mentioned I would have many friends, but non close friends. If i would actually manage to get a close friend, the chances are that they would rarely stay through my life. Most people would say "bullshit", but it was true. Through out primary and secondary school, I was actually hard for me to actually have a best friend. Through secondary school itself i had 3 different "best friend". That so, I was never their "top" friend. Pitiful? More like Pathetic. Maybe i'm just bad in making friends but among all 3 of them, non of them I'm still in contact with. Messages to them would be replied half a day or more than a day later, with replies which are impossible to reply to..

So my twinkle twinkle stars? Am i cursed with the failure you have decided? Yes I am.

Good nights.
Leonut.

Feel blessed if you have a friend to share everything with, wonder if this is what I will go through for the rest of my life.. I fucking hate this..

346 :

°◦°◦◦~~~°◦°◦◦o◦◦°◦°~~~◦◦°

Quote from my friend's status : 

"People today fall in love too easily. The desire of physical comfort is too damn high. Attracted to physical attributes, believe blindly in words, ignoring the facts that people can be manipulative. And when they finally get their heart broken, they complain love sucks. Posting all kind of silly statuses and quotes on Facebook and then behave in the exact same way. Well I'm sorry to break it down, genuine love is healthy in every way, it's you that can't manage it."

°◦°◦◦~~~°◦°◦◦o◦◦°◦°~~~◦◦°

Without knowing it, I fell into the exact never ending spiral of the gay community. The desire for physical touch is unbearable while thirst for warmth and attention is unquenchable, resulting in abuse of phone applications.

At least every attempt I had of finding physical satisfaction through my phone failed miserably.

Reading that status just got me thinking alot.. Damn it..
Boi.. Come home faster please...

Leonut

343 : Black sheep

Similar to the situation above (Yes.. I'm also the annoying one in the group), apparently i'm the most unattractive person in my group of friends..

During the holiday, the guys i traveled with made people turn heads all the time.. You should see the number of girls staring at them as they walk around the streets, with me tailing behind. Emo nemo..
Sadly, I've developed an immunity towards all of them. M, the guy girls go gaga over shared a queen bed with me, sleeping in nothing much a singlet and boxers even knowing I'm gay. Not to mention the morning 'salute' surprise i had when he woke up,  no feelings or urges at all. D-e-a-d. What monstrosity right??

Anyways, the manager of the guest house we stayed at was gossiping to her other friend without knowing some of us understand their mother tongue.. Apparently she likes M, found him really good looking. Obviously, we used that to our advantage.. =]

Another event was when all the guys were lining up for a theme park ride. We weren't aware that a group of 15 girls, all around 10 years old were lining up behind us. Could see the girls had a crush on my friends. Chuckling uncontrollably when we noticed their eyes staring at one guy in particular. They than proceeded to playfully poke my friends and also throw each other at them. Not me..Of course my friend's didn't mind.. They loved the attention. lol

Generally, those who have my facebook.. You can see what i'm talking about.
Black sheep among the group..

Bohoo..
Leonut

.

284 : Fragile

Checking twitter and facebook today, I saw 3 different condolence post.
Not some celebrity passed away, RIP to them post,
but friends of friends.

I guess at my age range, death isn't a common visitor, unlike my mother and grandmother's conversations which commonly goes "is ___ still here?", most of us are unprepared. A death happening doesn't pass through our minds, only studies, work, love etc.

One post posted was about a few of my friend's mutual lecturer. Found hanging by his neck this morning, suicide success. I don't know any details but it broke my heart when i read about it. 

Suicide is never a free pass to escape your troubles. Its a free pass to pass your troubles to others, one of the most selfish acts a person can do. Imagine the people who love you and cared for you, imagine how they would feel knowing they failed in supporting you and helping you overcome your problems, how they would feel knowing they could have done something to prevent it.

Yes, i know i don't know how suicidal people feel and think but i do know how the people close to them would feel.

Life is fragile ain't it?..  :(

There are always people out there that can help.
My deepest condolence, RIP.
Leonut.

227 : "I miss you"

The pounding and the heaviness of my heart grew as i just sat there..
Thinking about everything, about him and I..
Depressed and sad status updates flood my twitter and facebook as i try desperately to overcome these feelings..
The feeling just drove me crazy to the point i just gave up.
I grabbed my phone and texted him,
I typed out the content of the text oh so quickly,
Its already familiar to myself as it just overpowers all my thoughts.

" I Miss You. :( "

The 3 letters accompanied by a sad face emoticon, 

to show the grief i feel from his absence..
I hit send and my mind just goes blank in anticipation of his reply..

But..
It never comes...
My message ignored even though i see him online..
And it just stabs a thousand blades through my heart.

A memory from my past that just stayed so vividly in my mind..
Yet it has already been almost 3 months since it happened..

______________________________________

It happened so often last time, and yet i never understood why...

I was in class today when my phone vibrated..
I checked my phone and saw the usual string of whatsapp from my dance group,
but one notification was unique..
It was from Sam..

He sent me the exact text..
"I miss you.. :(".
And i just didn't know how to reply..

I just stared at my phone,
looking at those words..
Unable to think of a single reply i could give..
That wouldn't break his heart....

211 : Sad Songs

Sad songs.
They are there for a reason.

A while back i believed sad songs just pulls you further into a dark hole you have fallen into.
Some people believe that when you are feeling down, you should listen to your favourite songs or rather upbeat songs to bring you out of the depression. That is true to some extent but it brought a horrible side effect, I can never listen to that song anymore.

Don't get me wrong i still love that song but each time i listen to that song it reminds me of a memory i do not wish to remember. Listening to it on repeat almost every moment made me feel better, pumped up and hyped up back then. But now, every beat, tune or lyrics was just infused to that hurtful memory that it permanently changed the mood of that song to me.

So anyways, sad songs are there for a reason. Listen to them when you are feeling down. Thousands of sad songs in the world and there are almost one for each situation ; Broke up but still love each other, One sided break up, I want you back, I hate you for what you did, You cheated on me, etc. Just have to find the right song. Listen to it all you want, it somehow makes you feel like you aren't alone and when the time comes, you will stand up and walk proudly again, leaving the song behind too.

Imagine you go clubbing and the upbeat song you use to clear your depression plays, instant depression.

So use that sad song.

Love,
Leo

130 : Christmas Party

Its been officially 26, almost 27 hours since i have last got some shut eye.
Yesterday, one of the legends from our club threw a Christmas party. It was an awesome party overall actually. We gathered, played secret santa, and 3 friends and i put up an show of the memorial dances throughout the year for the seniors for thanking them for everything. I got a red feathered boa and nerdy glasses specs from my santa. Random much?

Then the hard liquor came out.. Half of 30 over people got pissed drunk!!

Thank you host for starting the night with drinking games. I along with 2 others did not touch any alcohol for personal reason. At first it was entertaining, watching close friends get red and high, then one person gets drunk and others follow closely behind. There was a guy in the party i shall name john,  an open homosexual. John, tipsy, toke M's shirt off and they starting almost grinding each other. And then john licked the chest of M.. So much for being straight M? M then started hugging almost everyone and kissing them.

Avoiding everything happening inside, I left the house and stayed outside at the porch with my friend and we just talked for about 2 hours outside, we could hear the craziness and wildness building inside the house(They already had several neighbors call and complain). It was about 2am.. Suddenly i heard someone calling for Wing's name, screaming and asking where is he. I rush in the house and went looking for him. Wing was lying in a room upstairs. Shirtless, and vomit could be seen on his neck... Turns out he vomited on 2 sofas downstairs, and literally passed out. They dragged him to the toilet and then to the room upstairs. Later in the night, he vomited on another sofa while sleeping.

By the time everyone was almost drunk, most guys were shirtless, one just collapsed infront of me. M tried to hug me but i rejected him, putting out my hand and walking away. Then, when he finally got me, he hugged my legs and just screamed at me..

"CK!~~~~,
Honestly i think you are such an awesome friend...
But right..
I want to know, Are you GAY???"

I refused to answer, smiled and tried to pull away from his grip.

"C'mon!~ Just tell me la!~
If you are i can hook you up with a good friend of mine.
C'mon!~~"

Then when i broke free, he was quite pissed and sounded really angry

"CK!!!! TELL ME!!
DO YOU LIKE PUSSY OR DICK??
PUSSY OR DICK??"

He just repeated that again and again.. Sucks.. I walked away as a friend tried pulling him away..

______________________________________________

Okay, i shall just summarize everything by people.
1. Wing : Got drunk and vomited on 2 sofa's and a 3rd one later in the night. Pass out cold.

2. John : He tongued kiss the straight host for 6 seconds infront of everyone. He kissed M twice with tongue along with another friend..  Started rambling about how the host is his boyfriend and he had to kiss him again and again which Mr.Host did.

3. HM : Drunk girl that bite people. She literally bit almost every guy except me. A friend of mine's wound was so deep he had to treat it.

4. NN : Started beating people and screaming. Aggressive drunk.

5. KM & NT : Vomited dunno how many times. Spend about 3 hours in the toilet vomiting, passing out then vomiting again. I dont dare use that toilet again.

6. M : Hugged everyone and asked me if i was gay. Wonder if he remembers.

7. Iz : Got tipsy, talked to me about how she hates being drunk, got drunk, sobered up, talked to me about her problems then got drunk again at 7am.

__________________________________________

Seriously, it was a heart breaking sight. To see people close to you get that drunk and to be in that situation. I am not angry at them but just extremly disappointed at them. The whole house smelled of vomit and they actually broke furniture. Everyone sober was trying to control them.. A girl wanted to try smoking also but we dragged her away.. Just sucks seeing loves ones like that... Sucks badly.
I stayed up the whole night trying to get them to sleep..

The only time most of them sobered up was around 8am.. Waited till 11am then my mum came to fetch me home.

This will be the last party i will go in a while.

Yes i know, people will stay im so immature, dont drink, dont know how to socialize, Blah blah blah. But seeing how drunk and knocked out people are.. I really dont want to be like that.
I want to be in control of my thoughts always. I dont want my emotions to take over..
Honestly, im scared to get drunk.. What if i end up like John?
When Wing was drunk, he actually did something which i heard people talking about.
People started saying he is gay from what he did(which he gay is but very closeted).
I have no idea what he did but i seriously cannot risk being out when drunk.
It is the worst way to out to people.

Disappointed,
Sleep deprived,
Ck

p.s. Sorry my post is so retarded today. I just want to get everything out before i finally get some sleep. Spend the whole night taking care of the drunks..

127: Run Away!!

Run away!!
I sprinted away down the isle to Marks and Spencers, the closes shop that was actually big enough for me to go in without the sales assistance unwelcoming glare.
Heart beating in the ear, breathing heavily,  a nervous wreck.. 
I was panicking..
I stood behind the display and just waited there..
Looking out for people walking by the shop..

__________________________________________________

Today was a full day for me..
Woke up as early as i could, toke a bath and rushed to Sunway Pyramid to met a close friend for branch. Lets call him Wing. lol
Christmas shopping! Bought a yellow tank top and feathered wings for a friend for her to achieve her Victoria Secret look.. haha! I got 1 more outstanding gift to buy and gifts for family. You know who you are outstanding person.. Dont make it so hard for me to buy you something!!

What happened?..
I was sitting with Wing on one of the glass benches provided while waiting for his friend to join us for dinner.
Both of us bored and tired, was chatting away while we watch shoppers go by.

Then it happened.. I looked to my left..
I saw someone wearing black and red, the taylors college tee. My horrible eye sight could not see his face in detail but i could make out the black specs he was wearing.. KL!?!? KL always wore that shirt when i was still going out with him and he wore black specs too.. OMG!! It was him!! RUN AWAY!!!

"FUCK!! Why is he here?? Damn damn damn damn!!"

I left Wing sitting there confused as i ran away to hid.. Looking outside to see him walk by.. It was a mix feeling.. A huge part of me dreaded the thought of seeing him.. What if he was with someone new?? It will hurt.. A small part of me in the other hand.. really wanted to see him..

My phone vibrated.
Wing :" U bitch. Is not him lah walaoooo"
I walked back in shame..

Wing asked me something meaningful.. "Why must you be the one that avoids him?"..

Not sure about the answer...
Was quite down after that..

Flashmob again this saturday in sunway pyramid..
Dancing flashmob should be my permanent job..
Lots of love,
Ck

122: Flawed..

I am terribly flawed
I am not good looking,

I am not tall,

I am not attractive,
I am often a pessimist,

I am often too sensitive,
I am often bullied, push around,
I have low self confidence,
I don't have many close friends,
I am still holding on to memories..

I just feel so lonely now..
I want to talk to someone yet the little voice in my head is telling me that i might be annoying the people i usually talk to..
They have their own problems too..
I don't want to trouble them..

I want a best friend...
Someone that picks you first when choosing a partner,
Someone that goes everywhere with you..
Every best friend i had has drifted away..
Being in a different college with everyone makes matters worst..

I feel so lonely..

lonely..

We all want somebody..
When it gets cold, When it gets lonely.. :(

98 : Numb

Numb.. Stressed.. Frustrated.. Annoyed..
I'm getting very moody and emo because of the weather..
Because of exams.. because of the direction my life is going..
Because imy..

My eyes hurt..
When i go to sleep.. i see you..
I have the similar dreams as the past..
Every single time..

Part of me refuse to believe..
I'm holding on..
I'm doing things that conflicts with everything i want to do..
I dont believe..
I need to focus..

Fly?..
Ck..

94 : ...

I had no idea where i was, it was such a foreign place..
Like an abandon urban jungle, vines were growing everywhere, but, it was full of life..
There were people everywhere, like an urban retreat, lifestyle there was luxurious, a hotel maybe?
Suddenly, i realize i was climbing multiple flights of hanging stairs..
It was towards your direction, i could feel it in my bones! I knew where you where!
There it was! That door!!
I open the door and entered the room to see you waiting for me on one of the three white single sofas in the room.. You look towards me and your warm smile greeted me.
I hug you tightly, gently kiss you on the cheek...
...
...
...
...
*Bzzzzzz* *Bzzzzzz*
My alarm rang.. a dream..
_______________________________________________

I woke up, got dressed and it was off to college!
There you were with R studying on the exact table as you were yesterday.
As i walked up to your table filled with books and notes,
I could see you were studying very hard, i felt so proud!
But then a sudden cloud of sadness covered me..

Seem like now-a-days the only time i spent with you, you are studying..
I don't dare interrupt you..
I know this exam is very very important and i sound so selfish saying this.. but..
I miss spending time with you.. When your attention was directed only to me..
I feel neglected.. I dont get much of your time anymore..

There is nothing we can do about this.. An exam is an exam, the date is set, pulling you away to spend time with me would be inappropriate..
After a dream where we spend countless hours together, i guess i was just bumped waking up to the reality constricted by time..

I'll wait for you till the 22nd..

Your teddy bear,
Ck..

89 : Time..

Was actually blogging about something else today then something happened..
Was talking to a few friends today then jokingly i talk about 2012.
My friend's replied just crushed me..
"If the world is going to end, why you go Aussie for?? Stay here with KL la.."
I started crying..
I still don't know what i am going to do.. How Im preparing to brace myself for it.. How will i react on that day..
I just really scared...

Im just so retarded.. only a few post back i blogged about never wanting to see people break down from long distance relationship and here i am going to experience it soon..

I really dont want time to run..
I want time to stop while im hugging you..
when im with you..
but the clock is still ticking..
Second by second...
Time is running..
Merciless..

79: Distance

Her dance steps were expressive,
Each pop, each lock of the muscles, convey her emotions.
Being her, the strong, tough girl that everyone respects, it hurts to see her dancing like that.
She says she is okay but everyone knew what was wrong.
With the change in mood of the song, her emotions overpowered her.

Today i witness a friend break down.
She sat seiza style in the middle of the studio, with her hands covering her face, tears flowing down her chin.
She was crying uncontrollably.
We stopped everything and sat around her, that was the best we could do.
No matter what we could not bring her boyfriend back from UK, 6000 miles away..

I could feel her emotions, her sadness of a long distance relationship..
Even thinking back now.. i feel like crying..
I really wish such sorrow never existed..  :(

Ps. Wasnt much of a date i guess.. lol, will update soon..

65: Again...

Again.. I woke up feeling sad..
The recollection of the dream of him totally ignoring me just.. hurts me..
Suddenly it feels like its coming true..
The long hours of finally coming to a realization it was just a dream wasted as i was ignored when i pmed him...
I feel like i need to tell somebody, a mutual friend...
But who... :(
Im scared..

58: Touching bear story..

I just read this story.. Nearly tearing up..
Humans can be so cruel, so many things covered from the public's sight..
So many actions that are so taboo for us are just a normal day of life for them..
People should spend more time after this heartless beings and after us Plus..  :(

Klex